Caveat: This post is aimed at women who aren’t looking to have sex during the dating phase, but who would like to wait a little while longer before doing so (if they ever). It is also aimed at women who aren’t interested in sex at all in relationships (yes, I know you exist!).
Dating can already be pretty hard as any forum or any number of articles on the internet will tell you.
With dating apps and the rampant hookup culture these days, for people who are looking to develop something serious over the long-term – and aren’t interested in casual relations, hookups and fwbs – it can feel like an uphill task trying to sort through the dating pool to find someone who wants the same.
It is a complete waste of time to be carrying on with someone who wants different things from and who has very different relationship values from you.
In this regard, one of the biggest differences that clients come to me about is with regards to differences in when to have sex or to even have sex at all. Some of us think that it’s better to wait, some of us prefer not to and for some of us, sex isn’t even a part of the equation. It doesn’t matter which group you fall into, but it’s important that your dating partner falls into the same group.
For the ladies who are looking to wait or aren’t too comfortable with sexual intimacy so early on, it is important that we pay attention to how our date is treating us. Because if these signs aren’t caught early on, you can suddenly find yourself in compromising situations, or having your boundaries violated and disrespected.
These situations can creep up on you where it seems like nothing is going on but you are actually being led to a place where you don’t feel safe and where you don’t want to be.
Some men are going to be upfront about their intentions but there are alot out there who aren’t and would prefer leading you around the block in attempts to lull you into a false sense of security, to make like they are developing a deeper relationship with you when all they want is to get into your pants. They don’t want to scare you off too soon and are hoping that they can try their luck when your guard is down. These men are the scariest because of how manipulative they can be.
That said, here are the 10 signs you should look out for. These are a culmination of my own experiences as well as contributions from my clients and friends:
#1 They ask you for sex/He tells you upfront
Some guys are very honest about this – which is a great thing. At least they aren’t out to manipulate you or waste your time. And if this isn’t what you are looking for, it’s time to part ways.
The dangerous thing to do here is to ignore what he’s saying and tell yourself he’s joking or something to that effect. He isn’t. Or that he will come around and stop pestering you for sex when he gets to know you and see how awesome you are. He won’t. When it comes to dating and relationships, we need to pay attention to what the other person is trying to tell us and not ignore what they are saying because it is something we don’t want to hear.
#2 It is all he ever talks about
Whenever you try to have a conversation with him or when there is a lull in the conversation and he brings up sex – even when you guys aren’t even talking about anything sexual. Or he volunteers information (that you didn’t ask) about how many sexual partners he used to have, what sexual stuff he used to do with his partner, how many hookups he’s had etc. Especially very early on when you barely know one another, the guy only wants to get in your pants.
Sex isn’t a common topic that people bring up when they are getting to know one another, it’s relatively “off limits” and even taboo in some cultures. And is something only discussed when you have already known each other for awhile, not when you barely even know one another unless it’s something he’s after.
It’s even more inappropriate if you come from a sexually conservative culture.
#3 He behaves in a very sexual manner towards you
He constantly stares at your breasts/butt/legs/body, blatantly checks you out and then passes comments on you. Or his texts are full of sexual innuendos, then this guy only has sex on his mind.
He may even come on very strong and tell you stuff like “You make me go crazy! I can’t stop thinking about you. You attract me like moth to a flame and make me wanna do things to you..” (These are all stuff that guys have said to me before when we barely knew each other). It can feel very flattering and like he’s so into you he cannot stop thinking about you.
No. He is trying to fast-forward the relationship and love-bomb you in hopes that you’d fall for it and let him into your pants.
#4 He very blatantly comments on women’s bodies/makes objectifying remarks
Besides making sexual comments about you to your face, he is out there looking at other women’s bodies blatantly and making comments about it, then this guy only has one thing on his mind.
I once went out with a guy who would openly check out random women’s asses and legs and WORSE, made disparaging comments about them. We’d be having ice-cream and he’d spot someone and do a complete 180-degree swivel in his chair just to check them out. Or there’d be a lady walking in front of us and he’d later make a comment on their ass (and nothing else). Or he’d attend a conference and all he took away from it was that the female speaker had huge breasts.
Like, really dude? That’s all you see/care about? Also, how incredibly disrespectful to constantly reduce women to body parts?
What a person talks about is what he/she usually is thinking of. So if a person is constantly hyper-focused on other people’s bodies – you can already guess what’s on his mind.
#5 He only calls or makes plans when it is late at night and suggests dark dodgy places and alcohol
When a guy genuinely wants to get to know you and wants to develop something deeper, he’s going to want to make plans, he will want to see you for breakfast, lunch, perhaps dinners. You go to brightly lit places in broad-day light, take walks etc.
A guy who only has sex on his mind never bothers making plans ahead, calls you randomly and expects you to be free and only ever wants to meet at night/dusk and whose date plans just always happen to revolve around you both drinking. There’s nothing wrong with drinking of course, but when alcohol tends to be the only thing he wants to have with you, do watch out. If you can’t hold your liquor well, get easily drunk etc, it might be best not to be drinking around him. Honestly, I wouldn’t trust him not to spike my drink either.
Also – a guy who isn’t thinking of sex would be okay with going to brightly lit places where other people are present. He wouldn’t be constantly bringing you to dark, dodgy places with nobody around. Because he has a motive for bringing you there and those dark dodgy places are convenient places for him to try whatever moves he wants to. Moves you probably don’t want him pulling on you.
#6 He never tries to get to know you as an individual
The conversations you guys have are superficial and go nowhere. They don’t seem to hold any substance. Also, he doesn’t share much about his day to day, his thoughts, his feelings etc and he doesn’t ask you the same.
If you guys ever start to share more meaningful stuff, he seems bored, disinterested, disengaged and uncomfortable. He might even change the subject. This is actually a huge sign of an emotionally unavailable guy.
Emotionally unavailable and after sex only? No thanks.
#7 When he talks about previous “relationships” or hookups, the focus is on the sex
Pay attention to how frequently he brings up sex and if he constantly focuses on the sexual aspect of his previous relationships. How and what he talks about his previous liaisons gives you an idea of what he might be looking for from you.
A guy I went out with briefly would bring up his 1 ex and all he talked about was how awful a person she was (yikes, and big red flag) and how much of sex they had. And I didn’t even ask. He’d also constantly talk about his FWBs, hookups and random sexual encounters all the time and tell me in detail about what they would do to each other.
Then, he’d ask me if I had done the same and if I were willing to do it with a future partner. Bear in mind that we just knew each other for 2 weeks. Yucks and yikes. Also sorry dude, if I ever wanted to do anything like that, it wouldn’t be with you.
Men like that are trying to test the waters and suss out your comfort levels with sex. He’s trying to assess his sexual chances with you. Because he is thinking, if you are willing to do certain things with others before, you may be more open and willing to do it with him too.
#8 The “relationship” progresses nowhere and seems to be going around in circles
Relationships where two people genuinely want to get to know one another have a form of progress to them. There are stages you go through and the intimacy and trust deepens with each stage.
With a guy that only has sex on his mind, he isn’t interested in progressing the relationship at all. So you would constantly feel as if he “pops up” randomly and that you are constantly meeting up for dates and drinks (at dark dodgy places at night) but you don’t feel you are getting to know him better or getting any closer to him.
When someone is only after sex, any other sort of relationship is going to get in the way. Getting to know one another? Spending quality time together? Having deep conversations? Inconvenient and a complete waste of their time.
I remembered calling out one guy like that once and mentioning that whatever we had (cause it certainly didn’t qualify as a relationship and I didn’t feel like he wanted to date me either) wasn’t going anywhere. He laughed – yes, laughed – and went like “Yeah, it’s like I’m taking you round and round in circles right?”
Disturbing and hella manipulative.
#9 He crosses several boundaries without knowing you well yet
While it’s normal to want to get physical with someone you are physically attracted to, guys who are more focused on getting to know you do tend to hold off on the physical stuff. Why? They know it’s not entirely appropriate yet and don’t want to make you uncomfortable.
Someone who wants sex would constantly “try their luck”. When you voice out discomfort, they might even make like they understand but try to “test” your boundaries through “small actions” and see how you react. Some will try to wear you down with these constant tests, chipping away at your boundaries until you get tired and give in. Don’t!
Again someone I knew was like that – always asking to “chill” in a hotel room, to spend the night together in a hotel, asking if we could have a sexual slave/boss sort of arrangement. Uhhh no.
#10 You have a niggling feeling that you are being used
And that’s because you are! Our subconscious and intuition tends to suss out the situation quicker than our conscious minds and our egos. Our feelings and a need/want for romance and love can also cloud our judgment.
Always take stock and ask yourself if the relationship is progressing, if your date is on the same page as you and your comfort levels. If you are constantly uncomfortable around him and if you have a sense that the relationship revolves around sex and that isn’t what you are looking for, let them go.
Always trust your gut!