An important step to getting closer to what you want is knowing what you do not want and what does not work for you.
This concept also works in love and in dating.
When you know what you do not want in a partner or a date, you are one step closer to the person that best fits you. This is why I talk so much about identifying red flags in relationships and dating and how it will benefit you.
You can check out various posts that I’ve got on red flags in dating over here, here and here.
Why are red flags so important though?
Well, for one knowing what red (or amber) flags to look out for on dates and when you are in love would mean that you save a lot of time, energy and emotions that you might be investing in a person who isn’t a good fit for you.
You may also be dodging loads of predatory, manipulative, shady behaviour that your date may be knowingly or unknowingly putting out.
You are also able to draw your boundaries clearly and decide you want no part of something if the person displays qualities that you dislike.
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Another important reason?
Do you realise that when you really like someone, you have a tendency to compromise on things that were “alarming” to you in the first few months of the relationship?
There’s a tendency to see your new date or partner with rose-tinted glasses and tend to brush aside or ignore the things that bother you.
Case in point. I was once in a serious relationship with someone who when we were still in the dating phase, would constantly criticise my dressing and hair and looks. It made me feel awful and I was already struggling with low self-esteem. And it gradually got worse when we got more serious. He’d praise the looks of other women, put me down and was incredibly judgmental about my decisions about my own life. I felt very trapped in the relationship.
Another case in point, A client shared with me that a former boyfriend, before they even got together, tend to touch her inappropriately in intimate areas. She felt incredibly uncomfortable, but did not speak up then as she felt she might “ruin the mood” and she really wanted him to like her. When they got together, he’d constantly disrespect her boundaries, ignore what she said and just did whatever he pleased.
Struggling with love, dating or relationships? Do you find yourself always experiencing conflict, confusion and pain in your relationships and friendships? I can help! Tell me what you are struggling with and I will reply with some tools or pull a tarot card or two for you, for a better read on your situation. Not ready for that? Then explore my free resources, made just for you! In career, love, spirituality, personal growth and more!
Not only does putting up with red flags mean you compromise your own self-esteem, happiness and needs for the needs of another, it usually also lends itself to this:
The red flags that you compromise on or ignore in the first couple of months of the relationship, tend to be the reasons you break up in the end.
If you look back on the relationships where, at the beginning, you “put up” with things that you really disliked about your partner, those things you put up with are also the reasons how you guys end up breaking up.
The key lesson here is:
The sooner and quicker you say no to things you do not want in love, it brings you one step closer to the love you deserve.
If I had for instance, admitted to myself and accepted the fact that I thoroughly disliked people criticising my looks – especially someone who barely even knew me, I’d have ended things with that guy way earlier, closed the door on that relationship and perhaps went off with someone who was a better fit.
Similarly for my client, the sooner she said no to the guy who was constantly crossing her boundaries, that might have opened her up to other relationships with more respectful men.
Of course, hindsight is 20/20. But if there’s anything you take away from this post is that – don’t be afraid to let go of dates or people who cross your boundaries, don’t meet your needs and who display red flags very early on. Trust your gut and your intuition. If you are feeling uncomfortable, listen to your what your body is telling you and act accordingly.
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If you find yourself constantly compromising on red flags, it’s helpful to take a step back and ask yourself why.
- Are you afraid that you may not find another person out there who likes you?
- Is there something about your self-esteem that you may need to take a look at?
- What is the story you have about relationships and love?
- Do you think you need to suppress your needs to get someone to like you?
Understanding why we put up with red flags can help us get conscious on why we put up with relationships or people who are not a great fit for us. And it can give us clarity to move forward, onto the relationships that will serve us and our highest good.