I talk quite alot about red flags with clients and on this site (see posts here, here, here and here). I think it’s imperative to spot them early on in the dating phase to save you loads of time and trouble.
Spotting the warning signs early on will save you loads of heartache and time.
In today’s post, I want to touch on 3 traits that I’ve seen clients bring up quite frequently.
These traits may occur together and if yo spot all 3 in a date – STOP DATING HIM IMMEDIATELY.
So what are those signs?
#1 Does he blow hot and cold?
Does he like me? The age-old question, but I suspect your intuition probably already knows the answer to this question.
Actually if you have to wonder whether a guy likes you or not, it means on some level you just aren’t sure. And he probably hasn’t told you or you are afraid of asking. Or perhaps you are misreading – or reading too much into the signs.
If he’s giving you “mixed” signals and not being very consistent about the way he feels about you and is communicating in a very “confusing” way, then the guy could really be feeling confused about the whole situation or – he may not actually be that into you.
Sorry! But when someone likes you and that someone is sure of himself and his circumstances, he’d be able to show his interest and affection in a clear and consistent manner. You will know where you stand with him. You will feel safe and secure, which is essential in building a mutually trusting relationship.
When someone blows hot and cold, it does not offer a great foundation for a relationship, as it is difficult to establish trust and stability.
You just don’t feel safe with him. This is a mark of inconsistent behaviour. And it keeps you on edge and constantly in this are-we-are-we-not situation, always wondering if you guys are the real deal or not.
The form you have selected does not exist.
In fact, in the psychology field, this type of behaviour or situation is known as variable reinforcement. This technique is also used by casinos and gambling places and is the reason why gambling is so addictive. Firstly, it plays into uncertainty – you never know when you are going to “win” or get his attention. Secondly, sometimes you win, but sometimes you lose. And when you lose, it fuels you to keep trying because… you’ve won before! So it does mean you can win again, right? So yes you will keep trying until you win again.
Do you see how addictive an inconsistent/hot-and-cold relationship can be? And why it can be so difficult to “get over”? You might as well be playing a game of roulette with this guy at the casino. You just can never predict what his next move is, and every time he gives you attention or “blows hot”, it gives you a massive boost in adrenaline/ego and you will constantly be searching for it.
Also – do you realise that in either of this situation – gambling at the casino or dealing with a hot-and-cold guy – that the entire situation is not in your control? You are simply reacting to his behaviour, he has the upper hand and he has the “control” over you.
That might be a difficult pill to swallow, but the earlier you recognise it the better.
#2 But he’s so nice…. sometimes
Imagine this scenario – you have been dating this guy for awhile already, and whilst some of his behaviour makes you really uncomfortable, you comfort yourself by saying things like,
“Oh but he’s so nice to my mum, he’s soooo good with Tom’s kids, the way he plays with children – he’s a total natural! He’d be a good dad in future”…..
It seems like he can be really nice to everyone else, and can be nice to you – sometimes, when he feels like it – but it seems tough for him to be nice more of the time.
I talk alot about red flags (here, here, here, here) on my blog but sometimes it surprised me how many of us seem okay to carry on dating people who possess qualities we have an issue with, but choose to totally ignore.
You gotta stop and ask yourself why are ignoring his behaviour? What are you gaining by ignoring it? Are you unable to bring yourself to accept it?
Good questions to think about.
Yes, all of us have good and bad sides, but if he has qualities that are an issue now and perhaps in the future, it’s time to rethink the relationship.
#3 He refuses to take responsibility for the person that he is
If you have an issue with a particular habit of his or a personality trait, and are trying to have a conversation about it, but he seems reluctant or like he doesn’t care and tells you stuff like ,
“Well, I don’t know…I’m just like that. No reason why” BIG SHRUG…
Then you are dealing with a guy who doesn’t care how he’s become the person that he is, and has no interest in any sort of self-reflection and is someone who has little to no self awareness either.
If you ever have an issue with him down the road or tell him you don’t like something about him, this isn’t someone who’s gonna be spending a minute doing any self-reflection or thinking about why he pissed you off. He’d probably tell you sorry, cause he knows that’s what you want to hear, but you won’t feel like there’s any sort of depth to his words or that you are going to be seeing any sort of change in his behaviour.
(Yes, I’ve dealt with alot of these types of men, unfortunately.)
The form you have selected does not exist.
Another issue with people like that is that he might on occasion, turn your issue with back to you, telling you that you are the one with the problem and that you need to deal with it on your own. This is actually a form of gaslighting. They may cross your boundary but instead of taking responsibility for their behaviour, they blame it on you for having a boundary in the first place and speaking up about it.
If you ever find yourself dating someone like that, stop hanging out with them and stay the hell away from them. This is NOT going to be someone who is willing to look at himself, reflect on his actions and grow.
So what’s a girl to do?
- Firstly, like I say above, keep your distance. If you want a healthy relationship where two people are the best versions of themselves and the relationship is filled with mutual respect and affection,
- Secondly, if you find yourself prolonging the date or the relationship despite seeing the signs above, it would be helpful to stop and consider why. Is there something you are hesitant to admit to or accept. Do you holding some sort of fear?