This post is gonna be some kind of tough-love post.
Having done this personal growth and coaching thing for awhile now, there’s been something that I’ve noticed about quite a number of people. Despite the amount of “work” they put in, the books they read, the coaching sessions they attend and pay for, the videos they watch, the exercises they do, the number of workshops, seminars and whatever they sign up for…
They never grow out of their issue or make the change they say they want to make in their lives.
And I think this is a very scary situation to be in. At least from my perspective. Because it means that the amount of “work” (which means time and money) that you are putting in is not translating into real-life behavioural change.
I don’t know about you, but that wouldn’t make me happy at all.
The thing is, I’ve noticed the same about limerent individuals.
I’ve been coaching a couple of people through their limerence issues, either 1 on 1 sessions, workshops, and I’ve written a book on it too. Some of them have actually bought everything, consumed all the material I have on it.
Yet not only are they still limerent, they… are still coming to sessions.. months or years later – with the exact same problems. This meant that the help wasn’t exactly being internalised..
And guess why that happens?
Why do people remain stuck in limerence despite all the personal growth “work” they’ve been doing?
#1 They are not only afraid of change, they are reluctant to change and DON’T WANT to change
Yes, I know, change is hard. But if you are constantly in a state of pain and unhappiness – and being limerent for someone is choosing to be in a state of constant pain and unhappiness with no rewards at the end of it – and if you truly want a better life for yourself.. the current way of living isn’t going to help you get better.
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Many limerent individuals take very long to rid themselves of limerent behaviour because of a reluctance to let go of the habits, thought patterns and way of living that is keeping them limerent. If you are constantly social media stalking your crushes and daydreaming about them, that is time and energy that you can be spent doing things for yourself, connecting to yourself.
As long as we choose old patterns of behaviour, we will never change.
#2 They do not internalise the lessons they’ve learnt by putting in new habits and practices
A not-so-long time ago, I really loved self-help books and articles. I devoured them. Daily. I’d subscribe to all these newsletters and scroll tumblr each morning to see what new tips I could pick up and put to use…
Guess what that ended up becoming? I’d pick up the tips, store them in Evernote or my tumblr, and… never used them. Yeah. They were just pieces of information that I couldn’t even remember and never used in my day-to-day. But it felt good hoarding all that infor!
Thing is, about any kind of help that we receive, from books, therapists, coaches etc. Is.. if you aren’t going to internalise these habits and actually put them to use in your day to day? Then you are never actually going to learn and get better. All that information that you’ve gathered is just gonna be that – information, that you read or stored somewhere.
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#3 Their problems or pain give them their identity and a sense of safety
This sounds weird af, but this is what I’ve noticed with certain people. Healing from their pain or limerence would mean that they can no longer feel that comfort and safety of immersing themselves in whatever problem they have. They wouldn’t be able to talk about it anymore or how unhappy it made them feel.
I know, this sounds so counterintuitive cause.. why would anyone want to do that? But it’s similar to people who are addicted to worry and problems. Their worries and neurotic behaviour make them anxious and not very happy, but it gives them something to do and makes them feel “alive” in some sense. The same thing is going on with people who do not want to cure or heal.
Limerents are so addicted to their patterns of thought and fantasies about their LO (limerent objects) that not having to think of them for a couple of hours or a day makes them antsy and on-edge. It’s no different from a drug addict who does not get their fix.
#4 They are actually resistant to help and are looking for validation for their current behaviour
Yup. I’ve seen so many people do this actually. They go to a coach or therapist and say they wanna heal. But they spend the entire session just arguing with the therapist or defending their own behaviour. And yes, I’ve been that person.
Some people just have no interest in healing, they just want someone to tell them that their current behaviour is okay, and that they should continue doing the same. All the validation-seeking is done under the guise of seeking help for a better life. Comfort zones are hard to break out of.
#5 They REFUSE to let go of the issue that is plaguing them
Absolutely refuse. This is not only just for limerence, but for so many other stuff that bothers us. At some point, you’ve got to tell yourself to stop doing whatever it is you are doing to perpetuate your unhappiness and pain, let go of it totally and commit to a new life for you.
As long as you are still sticking to your habits that led you to your pain, engaging in the same patterns of thought and belief that keep you in that cycle of pain, constantly telling yourself the same stories over and over, you will never, I repeat NEVER get better.
This is a very tough pill to swallow for some people but it has to be said.
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It was exactly like that for me when I was trying to clear my retroactive jealousy and insecurity issues that were affecting how I saw men and love. I wanted a healthy kind of love with someone I like, but everytime I got close to someone, the fears would pop up in my head, the old habits would come up and I’d succumb to them.
I was repeating that ad nauseum with everyone I met, no matter how much I liked them or how long I knew them and it just drove me absolutely nuts. One day it dawned on me that as long as I was keeping myself in this pattern, as long as I refused to let go of these behaviours, I could have a freaking amazing man as a partner and the retroactive jealousy will always rear its head and ruin things.
Is that what I want? No. So you gotta be clear that you truly want the positive outcome that you are looking for and recognise that your painful patterns will not be getting you there.
