Awhile back, I was sort of seeing/dating a guy who not only gave off really dark energy/vibes, he was emotionally manipulative, addicted to sex (and refused to admit it) and was constantly pushing his boundaries with me though I had already said no.
He constantly only asked me out late at night – to drink no less, always wanted to date or sit around in dark, secluded places where nobody went to, was constantly asking for physical intimacy though I wasn’t comfortable, and would suggest stuff like going to a hotel – just the both of us – and “chilling with drinks/sleeping over with no sex” (sure Jan).
And mind you, he’d suggest these things when we weren’t even in a serious relationship yet, nor had he formally asked me out on a date.
He also only contacted me whenever he felt like it, made plans whenever he felt like it, asked me out randomly with no thought about or respect for my time.
I didn’t feel good being with him, felt uncomfortable, uneasy, unsafe and couldn’t trust him at all. Yet I ignored those red flags and dated him for close to 4 months.
I woke up one day and in a flash of deja vu- it was more me finally catching up to my intuition – I realised that I had been in this exact situation many times before.
In all my past relationships, long or short term, they all had the same themes running through them:
- All started with my massively crushing on them cause they looked “good”
- I got obsessed/infatuated with them really fast and it was all very intense
- I’d “create” opportunities to have lunch with them
- I always felt like I was chasing them more at the beginning (whilst they didn’t put in a tenth of the effort I did)
- Then reality will set in and I’d realise that we are such a bad fit, that they are downright bad for me. And that some weren’t even nice people at all.
My last really serious long-term relationship about 2 years or so ago also followed this pattern. To a T.
So why was I experiencing this again after some years have passed?
How did I attract this douche? Why? And why all of a sudden again after so many years of working on my relationship boundaries?
Have you something like that happen to you before? Where you are like gosh, I’ve already done all the growth work, the self care, journaled and meditated everyday and have been living my life so well, been so careful about my boundaries, so why am I still attracting the wrong guys?
Every time a situation presents itself where your old self is triggered or you find yourself lapsing into your old habits it’s a chance to react differently and choose a different path.
Sometimes when you find yourself attracting old patterns and attracting men who resemble your toxic exes – they just differ in physical packaging – in terms of character and the emotions they trigger in you, it’s time to pay attention and be more present to your situation.
When you’ve done all the work and you are still attracting people who resemble toxic people from your past like moths to a flame, there could be more work to do. That on some level you are still open to dating this sort of man. That the work you’ve done on yourself isn’t complete.
Struggling to get a date or still attracting the right people into your experience? Is there something in your love life that is troubling you? Are your beliefs and self-esteem holding you back in love? I can help you unpack the baggage and stories behind all that and more. Come drop your question in 100 words over here, and I will write back with some solutions 🙂
So what should you do?
#1 Get aware
Be present to your life and who you are letting in. Do they trigger feelings that remind you of your past? Do they make you feel anxious, doubtful, afraid, uncomfortable? All these physiological and emotional reactions are your intuition trying to get your attention and tell you something.
#2 Choose differently
If you want a different outcome this time, you gotta do what your old self never did and never wanted to. Walk away from the situation, walk away from the guy who got you curious because he reminded you of that ex who never kept his promises.
Don’t entertain his late night texts. If you do not want something, don’t let it in. Form strong boundaries and stick to them.
#3 Signal to the Universe that you are different now
That you are permanently closing the door to men and relationships that do not support your highest good. The Universe sometimes loves playing with us and testing us. But you will be surprised at how the Universe will grant you your wish once you are firm about what you want.
Nothing signals you showing up for yourself as much as you verbalising and showing through the actions you take and the decisions you make.
You will be surprised at how much your life changes once you get absolutely clear on what you are willing to accept and let in, as well as what you are willing to let go of. The Universe will always respond to your clarity and bring in more of what you desire.