Recently, a friend was narrating some events from her dating life. She had met a guy recently and after chatting for a month.. he suddenly went AWOL. Basically he ghosted her.

She was troubled by it, saying they actually had a good connection and

But then, he came back. He apologised for ghosting, said it was a bad thing to do and proceeded to start sending incredibly romantic texts to her. She is now feeling troubled about the fact that she doesn’t feel the same way and is blaming his holding back his feelings on herself – maybe she needs to encourage it more.. when she actually doesn’t quite feel the same…

Er.. what?

Let’s break down what is happening here, shall we? Because in this entire exchange, it explains two things:

1. Why even some incredibly smart women who are great people and have good values still get dating and relationships wrong
2. Everything that is wrong with the dating culture these days.

Some questions to ask ourselves:

1. How do you have such a deep connection with someone whom you actually don’t really know for that long?
2. Why would you waste time on someone who actually wasn’t very communicative early on and actually literally GHOSTED you?
3. He came back, apologised and suddenly started sending love gifs and hugs/kissing stickers. So his feelings went from nothing/ambivalence during the ghosting to sudden affection – whattt? Classic fast-forwarding, future-faking and love-bombing
4. The long distance is adding to the fast-forwarding nature of the interaction – pushing forward feelings that aren’t quite there and the lack of face to face interactions means that nothing has truly began yet.

#1 Relying on connection solely in dating/relationships is shaky ground. Look out for compatibility and commitment instead

I’ve said this quite a few times before, but chemistry and connection is not everything in a relationship. Many people use that as a criteria to decide if the person is a good person to be with in a relationship. But what you should be looking out for is (i) commitment and (ii) compatibility

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Commitment – are they on the same page as you in terms of where you stand as a couple, or where they would want to be in a relationship/how much they can give you as a partner at this point in time? If they are only capable of being casual whereas you are looking for a marriage-minded partner, you are better off without each other no matter the connection you share. They are not right for you.

Compatibility – Are your values similar? are your lives heading in the same general direction? are you willing to help each other grow? What is your outlook on life? Relationships? Finances? Kids? Having amazing connection doesn’t work if you both don’t share similar values or see life very differently. You wouldn’t be happy together.

Look for someone you are compatible with and who is able to commit to the relationship on an equal level as you.

What my friend could be figuring out right now is whether this guy is willing to give her the commitment she craves, and finding out if he’s compatible with her as a partner instead of falling back on their “connection” to justify his behaviour.

#2 Ghosting someone so early on and coming back reeks of dishonesty and isn’t a great way to establish trust

Now, I know that sometimes in the early days of dating, people are seeing multiple people (this is one of the biggest reasons online dating never quite works out – everyone’s attention span is diluted) and they do not owe you anything, not even exclusivity – yet. And some people are flaky for a reason, yes, life happens, work happens, communication can fall through the cracks. I get it.

So ghosting someone – kinda normal in this day and age – but then having the lady reach out several times to no response from the guy – then he just waltzes back in, says sorry and then carries on like nothing happened? What?

So what happened when he ghosted and what is happening now – was he just reaching back out again because he was bored in a foreign country? Also, if you are near 40 or in your 40s like this guy is and unable to properly communicate your intentions and be honest with the person, it’s not exactly a good thing. But yes then again, would you take back someone who did this to you?

Personally I wouldn’t. As much as we don’t owe each other anything at the beginning, suddenly disappearing despite me reaching out multiple times and you going silent is a big no-no in my book. You would probably do it again. And at this stage in the interaction, where I didn’t quite know him well, I don’t think I’d be entertaining him again.

Even if I made a decision to, it would be with alot of caution. Sometimes, we need to make behaviours like this amber flags and raise the bar if the person tries to re-enter our lives instead of just accepting them back like nothing happened.

#3 Bread-crumbing, fast-forwarding and future-faking – The Signs

When someone very early on in the interaction – continuously sends you loved up messages, expresses physical affection, promises an amazing future together – when the relationship hasn’t quite built up to that point – this pair haven’t even met each other in person – are classic signs of future-faking and fast-forwarding.

Pushing a relationship forward and moving like the relationship is very deep and the both of you are deeply in love when you barely know each other is a red flag. If you aren’t able to keep your wits about you, it’s very easy to fall into their “trap” and start reciprocating although you may not feel the same way at all. This is how people just “go along with it” and find themselves all caught up and swept up in a relationship they didn’t even really want in the first place.

The bread-crumbing comes in when he texts her these loving messages off and on – he would do these bits of micro-communication, disappear randomly then come back and give somemore then disappear. It’s actually a form of gaslighting.

All the above actions can make you feel as if the person is really, really into you. And can make you doubt yourself – hey he/she is so into me, why am I not feeling this way? And you start to force yourself to act the same way. That is…scary and before you know it, you can find yourself in a relationship or together with someone you actually don’t like deep down.

This is unfortunately the dating culture that we are in these days

The thing about the dating space now is that we are now very exposed to people like that. The thing is, quite a number of people are either socialised by dating apps/online dating culture and their own dating experiences to behave this way.

This guy maybe wasn’t like this before but definitely had a pattern prior to this and could have been doing this to other women before he met my friend. And nobody called him out on it and which is why he’s continuing to do the same today.

The downside of online dating is that we are now even more exposed to people like this. And meeting too many of them can make us disillusioned and disheartened about the dating scene.

So what do you do when you are looking for love?

You don’t look for it in the wrong places. Once you sense that something is off, that something is wrong, you pull back. You proceed with caution. Or you drop that person completely.

What you will not do is to continue to make excuses for their behaviours and continue to shift your boundaries until you are left with a bottomless pit.

You’ve gotta start making bad behaviour feel unfamiliar and offputting to you and make decent, upright qualities feel familiar and good. If you are constantly attracting and attracted to a pattern of people who do not seem to treat you too well, it’s time to take a look at where it’s going “wrong” for you.

Create the Love You Crave: Stop settling for less and start manifesting the love you truly want. My coaching/therapy sessions will empower you to break free from patterns holding you back, heal attachment wounds, and build healthy, fulfilling relationships. DM me on Instagram to take the first step!