It’s one of the biggest problems that plagues many in our society – from late 20s to 30s and beyond. The minute we graduate from college, we slowly start to find that it’s getting harder than ever to:

• Maintain friendships
• Find new friends

Post-college life has different stages, marriage, moving to a different state for work, children, huge responsibilities like caregiving, purchasing a house/big ticket items, health.

Some things will no longer matter, the available time we have also shrinks, responsibilities increase, people will fade in and out of our lives. All these are normal and will continue on for the rest of adulthood.

Making friends when we were in college or younger was easy. There was a fixed location – classes, the school venue itself, activity clubs where you know you’d always see pretty familiar faces.

Friendships form when there is regularity and there is a chance for reciprocation. But that gets hard when you no longer have a place where you see people often (Except the office, but most colleagues aren’t friends) and when you are so caught up with life’s various responsibilities.

So let’s take a look at the various challenges to friendships that we will all face in our 30s and onwards. You will find more in my book on friendships after our 30s, the challenges and what to do about them.

Struggling with your friendships? Find out what is bugging you in the quiz below!

#1 Not having any close friends – or friends at all

One of the most significant challenges of being over 30 and friendless is the sense of isolation it creates. At this stage, many people have established social circles, making it harder to break in as a newcomer. Career demands, family obligations, and simply the routines of life can limit opportunities to meet new people.

Additionally, societal expectations can make it feel awkward or even embarrassing to actively seek out friendships. This can lead to a cycle of loneliness, making it harder to put oneself out there and potentially exacerbating feelings of inadequacy.

Many people that I meet up with past the age of 30 lament how their friendship pools are shrinking yet at the same time, there is little to no effort to make new friends either.

That happens for a variety of reasons that I discuss in the book – people just not having the time to make friends, not wanting to genuinely take the time out to make friends and have no idea how to make friends – amongst others.

#2 A release of friendships that have been holding you back

Friendships that once seemed unbreakable may suddenly feel strained or even end abruptly. The shared experiences and commonalities that once bonded you may no longer be there. Perhaps life paths diverged drastically, leading to differing values or lifestyles.

It can be incredibly painful to be cut off or to realize a friendship has run its course, especially when there’s no clear explanation. This loss can trigger feelings of rejection, confusion, and even grief. It’s a reminder of life’s impermanence and the importance of cultivating adaptability in our social connections.

Personally, I’ve had friends that I hadn’t gotten along with in years already slowly just drift out of my life – and I let them. I no longer wanted to put up with the vast distinction in values/personalities and wanted something else from friendships.

#3 Friends at a different stage of life from you

After 30, the paths our lives take can vary greatly. Some friends may be getting married and starting families, while others are focusing on career advancements or pursuing personal passions. These differing life stages can create a widening gap in friendships.

Conversations may feel one-sided or lacking in mutual understanding. Finding common ground can become increasingly difficult as priorities and interests diverge. Shared activities that once brought joy may no longer be feasible or appealing.

This can lead to feelings of disconnect and isolation, even within existing friendships. It requires effort, adaptability, and a willingness to embrace new ways of connecting to maintain these relationships as life progresses.

Personally, I’ve found it hard to meet up with friends who are married/busy with their spouses and who have had kids – our time/availability never quite matched, and these friendships naturally drifted apart.

#4 Hesitating to make new friends

Past 30, the landscape of friendship can feel like uncharted territory. The familiar strategies of youth – school clubs, shared dorms, mutual friends – often fade away.

Many adults find themselves unsure of how to even begin making new connections. Should you try a new hobby? Join a social group? Strike up conversations with strangers?

The uncertainty can be paralyzing. There’s also the fear of putting oneself out there, risking rejection or awkward encounters.

The longer someone has been out of the “friend-making game,” the more daunting it can feel to jump back in. This lack of knowledge and confidence can lead to isolation and missed opportunities for meaningful connection.

#5 Other priorities in life taking precedence

After 30, life often becomes a juggling act of responsibilities. Careers may demand more time and energy, family obligations may increase, and personal pursuits can consume our attention. In the midst of this balancing act, friendships can sometimes be relegated to the back burner.

It’s not necessarily a matter of valuing friendships less, but rather a struggle to find the time and mental space to nurture them. The spontaneous hangouts of younger years might be replaced with scheduled coffee dates or quick catch-up calls.

The depth and frequency of interactions may diminish, leading to feelings of disconnection or guilt for not being a better friend. This can be especially challenging for those who crave close connections and find it difficult to prioritize friendships alongside other pressing demands.

#6 Expectations towards the friendships shifts

As we mature, our needs and desires from friendships can shift significantly. One friend might be seeking deep emotional connection and vulnerability, while another might prioritize shared activities and lighthearted companionship.

These mismatched expectations can lead to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and ultimately, a growing disconnect. One person might feel the friendship is stagnating or unfulfilling, while the other feels pressured to provide something they’re not equipped to give.

This is often compounded by the fact that we may not explicitly communicate these evolving expectations, assuming our friends will intuitively understand or that our needs remain the same as when the friendship was formed.

Do you experience the above?