Have you ever been troubled by indecision? If you are human, yes. A very big yes.
Some of us struggle more than others and that has to do with many other factors – not having much agency over your own life when you were younger, being in a culture where you were always told what to do, growing up in a very controlled/controlling environment.
Having your self-esteem chipped away in various stages of your life and in various ways could also lead to an inability to make decisions for yourself and to trust yourself in the process.
Indecision has always been a very big part of my life. I grew up in a very controlling society and was subject to the type of education system that didn’t really do much in encouraging people to critically think or speak up.
I was also constantly criticised for various things, and being a sensitive person who grew up in a chaotic environment, I did not feel safe and I blocked out alot of my own emotions. I wasn’t very confident in whatever I did.
Fast forward to me as an adult now. The indecision has not fully disappeared.
But recently, I made the decision to cut the cords of indecisiveness and start doing things differently. I was getting tired of how different situations would pop up in different forms to remind me of my habit.
If it wasn’t different types of guys I shouldn’t be wasting my time on, then it was situations at work that kept cropping up – situations which always tested my ability to speak up and assert myself.
Trigger #1 The screwed up job and the subsequent meandering job search
Earlier this year, I was at a career crossroad. I was burnt out from a toxic job which I found very quickly just wasn’t what I wanted – poor teamwork, a not very competent boss, work that drained the life-force outta me and a hella toxic management.
Shit was so draining I never had the energy to do anything in my life. I would just come home and sit on my sofa and stare into space.
It took a very poor handling of a situation by my manager to decide I don’t want to be a contributor to this place anymore. I started the job search but holy moly, it took around 5 months for me to decide what I wanted to do next.
The form you have selected does not exist.
I spent a large part of the first few months being really lost and “experimenting”. I accepted interviews to companies I knew deep-down I didn’t really like, I applied for roles I didn’t feel excited about. I had a “any job is alright” sort of attitude.
Truthfully, I didn’t actually knew what I really wanted to do next, was unsure if staying in my current career trajectory was a good choice and had no idea what sort of alternative career paths I could consider.
Trigger #2 The fantasy relationship
This trigger occurred earlier in the year but came at an opportune time.
I was interested in someone back then, was considering seeing him as such when I found myself social media stalking him. Checking out what he said, where he went, and whether all the facts aligned.
It was way too much emotional investment in someone I did not even know that well and did not even like that much at that point. It harked back to memories of my younger self who would spend hours social media stalking people I liked.
Yes, it is embarrassing to even think of now. And little did I know that those actions meant that 1) I didn’t know the person as well as I thought I did 2) I did not trust them 3) We were not communicating about things that were important, either because we avoided them or we could not talk about them
I knew this could not go on forever if I were to have meaningful, trusting, intimate relationships, characterized by clear communication.
The form you have selected does not exist.
When you make a decision to stop, the Universe will step in
In both those situations above, I made a very bold decision to let go of the fear that I was carrying within me and to surrender to the Universe. I got so tired of figuring things out from my ego perspective and using logic that I just didn’t want to worry about it anymore.
Once I decided to stop, it was like a signal to The Universe to step in and guide me.
Different doors started to open. With my career path, I was finally guided to one that had little to do with what I had done previously. With my romantic life, it is still a work in progress, but I already see shifts in my thinking and my behaviour.
As humans, we all have choices in how we would like to lead our lives. Life/God/Higher Source/Universe, whatever you want to call it, allows us to make decisions in the best way we deem fit.
They might give us hints and nudges, but it’s left to us to figure out what they are and if we would like to follow those nudges down a path.
Also – are we ready and willing enough to surrender our lives over to the Universe? Humans find it incredibly difficult to deal with uncertainty, which is why we are unable to let go of things and is also the reason why we control so many aspects in our lives.
But what if we learnt to surrender and let go today? What if we were to let the Universe take charge? Imagine what wondrous things await for us on the other side of the door?
As the saying goes
Follow your bliss and the Universe will open doors where there are only wallsJoseph Campbell