Remember DBSK?

No? Yup I’m just showing my age haha.

I’m not too sure how it began, but after graduating high school, a friend introduced a couple of Kdramas and Kpop music to me – there was Goong with Joo Ji Hoon and Yoon Eun Hye and Delightful Girl Choon Hyang with Jae Hee and Han Chaeyoung, as well as My Witch Yoo Hee with Han Ga-in.

One thing led to another and soon I uncovered Xman with Yoo Jae Suk – that got me on the path of Korean varieties (they were wayy better back then imho). There was the music too – UN, SS501, but nobody caught my mind and heart like DBSK did, oh boy.

Have you ever felt your heart race at the mere sight of a K-pop idol, your mind swirling with fantasies of a connection that doesn’t exist and will never exist? You’ve probably been there. And yup that was exactly how I felt when I chanced upon the first DBSK content – the music videos, the varieties, the interviews, the fanservice, I went down a very nice Kpop abyss.

One thing led to another and soon I was sucked into this DBSK vortex – I can’t remember which members I was obsessed with, it was a toss-up between Junsu and Yunho I think – but I couldn’t go a day without fantasising. I was frequently on YouTube, replaying scenes, getting very curious about their true friendship, looking for even more content, though I couldn’t even understand a lick of Korean.

I had no idea I was slowly becoming obsessed and limerent for these idols, slowly allowing them to completely occupy my mind daily.

I spent months trapped in the exhilarating yet agonizing whirlwind of limerence, convinced that my feelings for them were something real, something special.

This post will detail how I overcame this limerence cycle and found a healthier perspective. It totally changed how I see Kpop idols, the Kpop/Kdrama industry over the years and also how the manufactured nature of the entertainment industry can keep us locked into obsession and hope, especially for individuals who already have some form of low self-worth/trauma/escapism tendencies.

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What is limerence?

A phrase coined by Dorothy Tennov in the 1970s, it’s a profound state of intense longing and infatuation for someone even when it is not reciprocated. It involves intrusive thoughts, fantasies and mostly exists in the limerent’s mind.

You become OBSESSED and find yourself unable to (or unwilling to, more often than not) to let go of your limerent object, you are CONSTANTLY thinking about him/her but unable to approach them to start anything (because of distance, shyness etc).

What is a parasocial relationship?

It is when one party extends emotional, psychological energy, interest and time in another person – usually a public figure or a celebrity or a figure associated with mass media.

Fans of kpop idols do tend to share some form of a parasocial relationship with the idols, particularly hard-core fans.

How is limerence related to parasocial relationships and celebrity worship?

The whole reason why I was so obsessed with DBSK back in the day, and why so many now are obsessed with various kpop idols and kdrama actors, is precisely because these 3 concepts are at play.

When we are engaging in celeb worship, we are engaging in a parasocial relationship with them, as explained above. And a large part of hardcore celeb worship as well as parasocial relationships have a form of fantasy and obsession to them – 2 tenets of limerence.

Why does this happen though? 4 key reasons below.

Accessibility and Idealization:

• Celebrities are often perceived as perfect and unattainable, fueling the idealized image central to limerence.
• Parasocial relationships provide an illusion of closeness, making the limerent object seem more accessible, despite the one-sided nature of the connection.

Emotional Investment and Fantasy:

• Limerence thrives on emotional investment, often intensified by fantasizing about reciprocation.
• Parasocial relationships and celebrity worship encourage fantasizing about a relationship with the celebrity, blurring the lines between reality and imagination.

The Role of Media:

• Media plays a crucial role in constructing and maintaining the idealized image of celebrities
• Social media allows for seemingly personal interactions with celebrities, further blurring the lines and fostering parasocial connections

Dopamine and Reward:

• Limerence, like addiction, can involve a dopamine rush associated with thoughts of the limerent object
• Parasocial interactions and celebrity-related content can trigger similar reward pathways in the brain, reinforcing the infatuation

Recognising the Unhealthy Obsession with Kpop Idols

My obsession with kpop idols did not stop with DBSK. It carried on with other people. There was always a pattern – I’d get obsessed with someone, find out something undesirable about them (i.e. they are attached, haha), or just lose interest cause someone more “interesting” was uncovered, then my interest in them would reduce or completely disappear and transfer onto this new idol.

There was always someone new and each time, I entertained various fantasies about these idols. It always felt intense and all-consuming. My thoughts about them were like reels or music videos, there were many different scenes and chapters. I’d have a whole 16-episode development of our romantic relationship in my head.

As I hit my early 20s though, I started to realise this was not very healthy or normal. These were some of the signs that made me realise my limerence was unhealthy:

• I was constantly checking Kpop gossip sites. Refreshing them several times a
• I knew way too much about them – their heights, where their dorms were, what they ate
• Spent way too much time – hours – consuming kpop related content instead of studying or being more involved in the college scene, the latter of which I regret to this day
• I shied away from real relationships/men who were interested in me because it made me so anxious and felt safer watching youtube videos of the idol and fantasising about them

Two of the biggest dealbreakers for me though was first, when I was dating a very nice, rather goodlooking guy in college who was smart and funny and into me. Yet I spent the whole time on our hangouts thinking about how he wasn’t as cute as whatever idol I was into at that time (see, I don’t even remember who now) and rather stay home and watch the idol’s content than hang out with him. Needless to say, he stopped asking me out after awhile.

The second big dealbreaker was when DBSK broke up and had that entire legal wrangle with their agency with different members taking different sides. There were several breakups like these as well around that time. This came as a massive shock to me as I had always bought into the “fact” (fake, manufactured reality more like) that they were extremely close

All these came at a time when I had quite abit of things happening in my life – stress at school, navigating changing friendship groups, dating/romantic relationships which overwhelmed me but also clued me into my not-so-healthy responses and reactions to men, becoming cognizant about how I was spending my time.

It wasn’t a sudden process, but a gradual process that built up over time.

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How do I stop being obsessed with Kpop idols? – Strategies and Tips for Overcoming Limerence

Reduce exposure to the idol’s content

Stop watching their YouTube content, unsubscribe from videos, unfollow any social media accounts, especially those on Twitter and Instagram. Stay away from those apps if you need to. Lessen your interaction with people who keep you locked into conversations about the Kpop idols or Kdrama actors. Do not go on Kpop gossip sites – I find them to actually be just really bad brainfood.

Focus on YOUR reality

Parasocial relationships are not real. At all. which is why they are parasocial. It exists in your fantasy and in your head only. But remaining in fantasy means that you are never present with yourself, you are never present in your current life, your surroundings, your purpose. Your attention is completely on how this other person – who doesn’t know you exist by the way and isn’t paying your bills (in fact you are helping to pay theirs!) – is behaving, the minutae of their lives. Turn back that precious attention onto yourself.

Acknowledge that Kpop idols, Kdrama actors and any celeb has a curated image

What you are seeing is not real, though you may think that it is. It’s not. Whatever they do and say are pretty rehearsed and manufactured, especially for K-ent that has an extensive “training” system. They are all schooled in how to behave in front of the media and fans. You will never know how they are truly like in reality.

Find Healthy Outlets: – Engage in hobbies and interests unrelated to the idol

You probably had a whole life, hobbies, books you wanted to read, a course you wanted to pursue before all these idol worshipping. It’s time to get back to them. Start to get engaged with your life!

Connect with friends and family

If you haven’t already. Start to rebuild a support network that grounds you and allows you to get back into your life. It’s when we lose these connections to real, in-person support networks that we start to turn to escapism and fantasies for comfort. If you haven’t got much friends, it’s time to go out and make some!

Seek support from others who understand what you are going through

You will feel much less alone and it’s great to have some others who can understand your feelings and what you are going through. Don’t suffer in silence!

Ready to break free from limerence and create the love life you deserve? My personalized coaching is designed to empower you on your journey to lasting happiness and fulfilling relationships. DM me on Instagram to take the first step!