People experiencing limerence tend to cycle through the same couple of emotions frequently. Here are the 9 most common ones. Use this as a checklist to see which ones you tend to resonate with the most.
If you are limerent, you experience anxiety in several ways
- When you think your LO is not reciprocating your feelings
- You are think your LO could be interested in you but you aren’t too sure
- You think your LO could be dating someone else and hence not interested in you
- When you are about to interact with your LO
- When you hear things about your LO and you are ensure if you are able to accept what you are hearing
- You think something is about to happen with your LO – like they are going to reciprocate and admit they have feelings for you or something similar
As you can see, the reasons for constant anxiety when you are limerent can occur in a myriad of ways and is largely also due to the fact that most limerents already possess an ambivalent or anxious-avoidant relationship style. Relationships in general are already a source of general anxiety for you, it is no different when you are limerent.
Struggling with limerence? Are you ready to cure yourself from it and let go? Find out in the quiz below
This usually stems from 1 key thing: Realising that you can never ever be with your LO, because they are taken or they have indicated they are not interested in you. A sort of despair overcomes you. This may also occur when you realise you are limerent and have no idea what to do about it and how to get out of the cycle.
This tends to occur together with sadness. When you are limerent, there is always an instinctive sense that your LO will never be together with you in a way that you want or desire. This is especially true if your LO is attached/married or if he/she is a celebrity – someone you will never meet in real-life.
There is also a very deep sense of shame that is usually tied to limerence. Many limerent people feel embarrassed about their behaviour and inner thoughts, and rarely share this with others. They are usually alone with their fantasies, and it’s this social isolation in a sense that feeds their fantasies even more. This is because there are no checks and benchmarks with real-life.
Many limerent people also have this sense that their behaviour will not be seen as appropriate by others, that they will be seen as weird. This feeds their shame even more.
Limerents sometimes feel guilty for their behaviour. Guilt tends to go hand-in-hand with shame. They may feel guilty for wasting their own time pining after someone who won’t reciprocate, or they may feel guilty for wishing ill of their LO’s partner for instance.
In some interesting circumstances, they may also feel guilty if they start to have feelings for someone other than their LO. There is this strong sense that they are “betraying” and “being disloyal” to their LO.
The shame, loneliness, emptiness, hopelessness etc that limerents feel tend to make them dislike themselves. With most limerent individuals – a connection is missing – either to themselves, to people around them or to their lives, they don’t feel present or visible in some way. They may have spent most of their lives feeling small no matter how successful they are.
This self-hate actually perpetuates limerent behaviour because they feel this deep feeling of “me against the world”. They don’t feel accepted or that they belong anywhere and this makes them sink even deeper in their limerent fantasies and feelings.
Many limerent individuals struggle to express themselves emotionally in general and may even struggle to feel certain emotions – because of how they are so used to repressing them.
Need help in your limerence journey?
Limerent individuals actually are very lonely people deep down. Some of them may have friends and extensive social networks, but that can never help them to overcome the lonely feelings they feel at their core. This loneliness is a result of being disconnected from themselves and having genuine connections with others.
Many people no longer have very many active friendships, if at all, and with the rise of social media and online connections, we are becoming increasingly lonely as a society. It truly is a societal epidemic and not something just limerent people are feeling. However, being lonely can predispose you to limerent behaviour.
Emptiness and loneliness are good friends. When you feel one you tend to feel the other, and as limerents, they tend to feel empty constantly. This is due to a lack of connection with others as explained above and/or a complete lack of purpose. Many limerents do not feel their lives have much inherent, genuine purpose or meaning.
They may have family/friends, a job, hobbies, but there is always this lingering sense of emptiness. They may be successful in a certain area of life but still feel they are not enough and feel unfulfilled.
Limerents tend to swing extremely from a low mood to an euphoric high. This usually occurs when there has been some contact or engagement with their LOs. And this is especially so when they are fantasising about their LO. It is this euphoric high that makes their limerent fantasies so pleasurable that they keep coming back for more.
Limerence works exactly like a drug, like an addiction, so once you get euphoric or high from your fantasies, it crashes soon after and you’d need another fantasy to achieve the same high again. Sometimes, certain fantasies no longer work and you find yourself having to come up with new scenarios.
The thing about limerence is that there is little reward for your fantasy. Your LO remains as a figment of your imagination and is not present in your life in the way that you want them to be. So usually this euphoria you feel is short-lived and it immediately swings to a sense of hopelessness and sadness again, and the cycle once again repeats itself.