Relationships: Love & Friendships

Long-time friends who cut you off for no reason. Why’d they do that? (Updated Feb 2020)

When long-time friendships end, it is always so sudden and out of the blue, so why do people do that? Let's explore the psychological reasons behind why friends resort to doing this and how once-treasured friendships end.

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Have you had a long-time friend cut you out of their lives totally for no reason at all?

If you have had that unfortunate experience, you will know how painful it really is.

You’d never know what really happened. Your friendship was here today, gone tomorrow.

I had one. We knew each other from when we were 7. Had rows (like all normal friends do). But she saw it necessary to not only cut me off totally but chose not to invite me to her wedding. Other friends who weren’t as close were invited though.

So the friendship ended, just like that, at 24.

When something like that happens, it always leaves you wondering why it happened and how could you not have seen it coming.

In this post, I touch on why people who do the cutting off do this. And why

What does it mean to cut off someone?

First things first.

I see some people confusing this with friends who naturally drift apart. But they aren’t the same at all.

When people drift apart:

  • It’s usually gradual (ie: contact steadily reduces over time or becomes relatively more sporadic)
  • It’s natural (ie: someone moves away, has kids, you guys no longer like the same things that used to bond you etc)
  • It usually happens both ways. Meaning both of you could have sensed it coming – and let it happen
  • The friendship takes on a different form, friendship may still be good but on a less intense level
  • There may be less intense emotions involved. No anger, blaming, jealousy and all of that

Cut off your long time friend? Your best friend suddenly doesn't want to speak to you? Get to the root of the problem today! click here to find out more!

Being cut off

  • It’s done suddenly and abruptly without warning, usually with no reason or no explanation given
  • There was no prior communication or sign that this was going to happen
  • It’s always, ALWAYS one-sided, leaving the other quite blind-sided
  • The damage usually cannot be reversed, and both parties rarely become friends again
  • Emotions involved are always complex and intense, involving confusion, guilt, anger, sadness are commonly experienced.

As you can see, both are very different things, involving different contexts, reasons and eliciting different intensities of emotion.

Here, I’m talking about cutting off a friend whom you’ve been really close to and have shared a huge part of your life together, with no reason or explanation whatsoever.

I’m not referring to the rude guy/girl you went on 3 coffee dates with and subsequently blocked on WhatsApp or a colleague you’ve known for 2 months who recently started ignoring you.

I’m also not talking about the rude, negative, toxic and hostile personalities that warrant you cutting them out of your lives.

I’m talking about the close, intimate relationships which were fine one day and gone the next.

The nature of friendships…

One of the most crucial things about being cut off by someone is that if you had looked closely, you might have actually seen it coming.

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Unless you were unnecessarily rude, inhumane or really toxic in some way, most of the “victims” of being cut off are usually close people who done nothing that wrong to warrant this sort of treatment.

In friendships and relationships, disagreements and rows are common, depending on your dynamics.

There are always ups and downs.

People who have a healthy sense of self and know what a healthy relationship looks like won’t let a row or disagreement affect their opinion of you or your friendship.

They (both of you) deal with it, apologise if you need to, talk through the issues and move on.

If the friendship had a real solid base, with open communication, things usually can heal with time. Cliched but true.

So why do long-time friends cut you off?

There are many reasons and whilst it sometimes is due to something we have intentionally (or unintentionally) done to hurt them, it sometimes has got nothing to do with you. Let’s explore some reasons here:

They keep score

People who initiate the sudden cut-off have a sort of mental credit/withdraw system approach to friendship. When the going is good => credit in! When things aren’t going well => withdraw!

And the worse thing about this whole setup is their behaviours change according to how they think they are being treated. They can be great friends one minute and a complete stranger the next.

They might have internal rules and tests for friendships. Rules and tests you never know about until you cross the line one day.

And that might actually be too late.

They might also unpredictably moody around you, making you feel like you are

Question is, do you want to be around someone who sees you as a kind of financial transaction?

Cut off your long time friend? Your best friend suddenly doesn't want to speak to you? Get to the root of the problem today! click here to find out more!

They are emotionally unavailable, can’t communicate and/or handle conflict

They refuse to tell you what about you is bothering them and probably never will.

It’s the fear of being vulnerable, or the incapability of being vulnerable.

They are unable to handle conflicts in an assertive manner and are usually passive-aggressive.

Another sign of this emotional unavailability is them resorting to the silent treatment or the cold shoulder. Leaving the other party constantly wondering what went wrong.

The way we handle our relationships as we grow up have a lot to do with how we were taught to handle relationships with our family when we were younger.

People who develop emotionally unavailability or an inability to communicate effectively during a conflict probably picked up similar habits from their relationships with their family.

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They might have a parent or sibling that treats them in the same way. We tend to model our relationship patterns from the one we’ve experienced in childhood.

So, that is what they are probably used to and in their eyes, is what is seen as normal and healthy.

They are users

Some people are just incapable of forming healthy relationships and see all relations in terms of what can you do for them or what use do they have for you?

Once that is attained or accomplished, you are no longer needed and are tossed aside.

I used to know “friends” who would declare you their BFFs when you guys shared classes (and they had no one else).

But once they were assigned a new class in a new school term or whatever and had other friends, they’d bump into you in the streets and totally blank you.

It’s an extremely unpleasant feeling to know that they probably didn’t see the “friendship” in the same way that you did.

But, just like a lot of things in this list,  it’s not something that you have very much control over, unfortunately.

They want to punish you

Sound harsh? Perhaps. But when they think you have “wronged” them in whatever manner, they want you to pay for it.

This is someone who has a quite warped sense of what justice or fairness means. And take it to quite an extreme in personal relationships.

I mention some people setting silent tests for their new friends above, but people in this group take it one step further.

They take revenge.

And they can do that by resorting to some vicious methods like spreading malicious gossip about you, cut you off from your social group or be just plain mean and intimidating.

Also, if you see someone behaving like this to a friend of theirs, and you might be thinking you are safe?

Nah.

The individual I mentioned at the beginning of this post did all of the above and more when she found out her best friend was dating someone she didn’t like.

The “best friend” was cut off before you could even bat an eyelid.

I thought that was really scary and lo and behold, I was the next victim.

If someone can do this to another, they probably could do it to anyone, including you. It really doesn’t matter how close you guys once were.

They want to be in control

There are people who feel like they should be the one calling the shots in all their friendships.

They want to dictate and make all the decisions – what to do, where to hang out, what their friend should wear or do. How the friendship should play out.

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Cut off your long time friend? Your best friend suddenly doesn't want to speak to you? Get to the root of the problem today! click here to find out more!

And if you are no longer behaving in a way that pleases them?

Then you no longer need to be friends, pal.

I’ve only met one such person in my life – fortunately – who treated her friends this way. One of the most domineering, condescending and well, controlling person ever.

She straight up decided one day that another member of the group needn’t hang out with us anymore, cause she wasn’t as cool or as funny. Which was what she wanted the group to be seen as.

I think what was particularly uncomfortable about the whole situation was how ruthless it came across.

But people who always need to be in control don’t really see it that way.

They are protecting themselves

Sometimes the reasons aren’t as dark as the ones listed above.

Sometimes, people initiate the cut-off because they feel some sort of way about your friendship. And have been for awhile.

Maybe they’ve been feeling neglected, maybe you’ve been really overbearing (and didn’t know this), maybe you were really insensitive (and weren’t aware of this). Etc.

Maybe, just maybe. You might have been the cause of the cutoff.

I know sometimes that is a hard pill to swallow, but when we’ve been friends with someone for so long, it’s easy to take their friendship for granted. It’s also easy to assume that you can do whatever the heck you want and the other party is supposed to be a-okay with it.

Unfortunately, not everyone is going to be up to talking about their feelings/issues about you, with you. For whatever reason they might just feel it’s easier to just run away.

That’s the fight-or-flight response and sometimes people choose to protect themselves by just removing themselves from the situation, and in this case, the friendship.

Cut off by a friend? Jealousy and rivalry in friendships? Toxic, unhealthy hostile friends? I've been through them all and am here to help. Click here for more details!


What about you? Have you had someone cut you off before? Do you think they fit some of the characteristics listed above? Or were other factors at play too?

What next? 

If you enjoyed this post, please do share it – every little share helps!

Check out the second part of this post: Long-term friends who cut you off suddenly: Red flags and how to deal

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6 Comments

  1. Dylan Olsgaard

    September 25, 2019 at 12:58 pm

    I had a friend named AJ that cut me off recently and I was incredibly saddened by it. He was my best friend and probably the greatest friend I’ve ever had. I would’ve died for him I love him so much. It hurts going from that to being complete strangers to each other when we used to hang out all the time and I miss him so much it has been so hard to let go. I’m really hoping the friendship will rekindle one day :((

    1. Cody O'Quinn

      November 5, 2019 at 9:27 pm

      Hey Dylan. The same thing recently happened to me. If you ever wanna talk about it I would definitely be willing to listen. It really sucks, I know how you feel. I hope you are doing ok.

  2. Albert E.

    November 23, 2019 at 12:37 pm

    I’m a single 62 yr. old man, not in search of a partner, but a young lady friend (38yr) that I’ve known for 17 years, with two children, 5 and 11 yrs that I have never met just cut me off. I don’t think I was overbearing or neglected her in anyway so I know the feeling. We would speak on the phone or email once a week and meet once a year before the Holidays for dinner and gifts. I would always be there for her when she needed someone to talk to or had problems. Being her friend would make me feel good as a person. Her friendship was all I needed in return. It’s very hard to understand why people
    just cut off friends without knowing why. Being 62 years old makes it ever harder for me… not knowing why I lost a friend.
    I had just gotten her and her children Christmas gifts the week before she stopped talking to me. I think I will donate them to a needy family cause seeing the gifts in my living room is very sad for me. Hope to hear from someone that could maybe explain what happened and should I try to make contact with her again. Thank you

    1. Brittany Teague

      December 25, 2019 at 6:03 pm

      this happened to me on Saturday this last week. it has been so hard to cope with. we were friends since third grade and now i’m a junior in college. it felt like we were drifting apart, but then we hung out for a little while and everything seemed fine. because of that, i thought we were doing really well but we weren’t. i miss her terribly. she was my best friend and i went to her when ever i was sad, mad, or what ever else. she was there one day and gone the next. i tried to talk to her but then she went ahead and blocked me on everything, including my cell phone number. she has been having struggles with her home life but i has been helping through it. i don’t think i was helping at all, though, but i don’t really know. we even went to the same college and walked each other to classes but not anymore. i don’t understand what happened. you said that a lot of the time when friendships end like, it isn’t likely it will be able to rekindle. do you have any advice? we had an 800+ streak on snap chat which meant we were a bit passed two years and now it’s gone. i have helped her through so much and vice versa. my life seems empty with out her. we rarely argued either. i have been so depressed since then. i have so many photos of us on my walls in my room and i don’t know if i should take them down or leave them. it makes me sad to look at them, but it would also be really hard to take them down. she was even my lock screen..it doesn’t help that it’a the holidays too..please help me. thank you for your time.

  3. Keely Rae

    December 24, 2019 at 3:42 pm

    I, up until just recently, had a best friend of 45 years. I thought of her family as my family, Her daughter was my Goddaughter. We all took vacations together, spent holidays together. We met in 7th grade, and are now 59 years old. It would take me pages and pages to explain all that has happened in those many years. Towards the end…the last 10 or so years…I was ghosted so many times by her. I never ever understood why. I would write her a long letter…I would get a letter back from her…we’d get together and then things would be okay. I married an alcoholic (everyone loved my husband, including her) she was supportive, but also had much advice…from I can’t believe you’re still with him…to I can’t believe you’re leaving him. I finally got a divorce, and I never had children. She, on the other hand is still married (although not happily, but making it work), has 2 awesome kids, and now a son in law, and soon to be daughter in law..oh and a granddaughter. She has a bunch of friends (amazing your social circle when you have children and meet all your children’s parents, etc.). I took care of my Father, who passed away 4 years ago of Alzheimers. My Mom now lives with me (she’s had 3 strokes and a broken back). I don’t ever think I am the person that complains about my situation, in fact when I would get together with her I always tried to be positive and ask about her life. She would say I never invited her over to my home, yet anytime I would…she would have an excuse to “just come over to her house instead”, so I stopped asking. She said at one point, toward the end, that the friendship was “lopsided”…she said she was always the one making the effort. So…I had always always been there for her, would do anything for her family…and when I took family medical leave to care for my dad…in 12 weeks I never once heard from her (it was so so upsetting). I could go on, but you get the picture…lopsided? I was so confused. I was also noting that her daughter was acting differently around me (we used to be really close)…I anticipate that much has been said about me and much of it is probably far from the truth. She told me more than once that her daughter said she just shouldn’t try anymore. Well anyways, I could go on and on, I am just heartbroken that I lost my best friend, my family, my Goddaughter (she won’t talk to me either), her son (I was very close with him as well). She also blocked me on Facebook..if you’ve never had that happen, it is devastating. I cry myself to sleep, I cry when I wake. I have no closure. I have absolutely no idea what I did. 45 years of my life has been washed away. I would have, never in a million years, believed that I would be in this spot today. We always talked about getting old together. I did not receive a Christmas card from her or her kids this year. It will take me a long long time to get over this heartbreak! I wish nothing like this to happen to anyone in their lifetime!

  4. Albert E.

    December 26, 2019 at 12:55 pm

    Hello Brittany, my advise at this time is for you to be strong, don’t drift away from a possible rekindling by forcing for answers or explanations. I know that I can’t force someone to be with me that doesn’t want to be with me.

    There are somethings in life that we will never understand why they have happened, but we must accept them and put them behind us in order to move on in life.

    Look at this issue as a ‘time out’ in your friendship with her, and if she really cares about you, she will, in time reach out to you. And if she doesn’t, …write/mail her a simple letter asking her why she abandoned you without an explanation, tell her that you would like closure to a friendship that came to an end in a blink of an eye. After so many years of being friends I think she should answer you if she has a warm heart and has you in her thoughts.

    Please give her some time because her abandoning you might have been something that was out of her control.
    Keep in mind Brittany that time is the world’s greatest cure.

    Don’t remove any pictures yet, just consolidate those pictures to an area that you will not have to see them all the time.
    Do some volunteer work during the Holidays if you enjoy helping people and make new friends, keep your mind busy and you will get through this.

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