Have you ever felt an intense, all-consuming attraction that left you questioning whether it was true love or something else entirely? Limerence and the concept of twin flames are two such experiences that often get intertwined, leaving many confused and yearning for clarity.

But they are actually quite different – at least their original meanings are and I will share my opinion on what I think is really going on as well when someone says they can’t be with their twin flame.

First things first,

What is limerence?

This was a concept coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in the 1970s and is used to describe this utterly intense infatuation that one has on another. It is characterised by intrusive thoughts about the limerent object (LO) or crush and constant fantasies about them. The feelings are usually never reciprocated and everything exists only in the limerent’s mind.

It’s basically a sort of obsession and a type of love addiction. People who tend to suffer from limerence have low self-esteem or self-worth, have an anxious-avoidant and ambivalent attachment style and emotional unavailability in relationships. Many also have issues with the way they approach love and relationships which can make them attracted to people who are unavailable for them or have straight up rejected them or they may choose people they cannot be with (i.e. celebs, married people, people who dislike them). This enables them to keep safe in their fantasies without a need to engage in a real relationship which is messy and overwhelming for them.

They are also very determined where there are barriers to the relationship (i.e. the person rejects them, is a celeb, is physically/emotionally unavailable) and their feelings may persist or heighten when barriers are present, keeping them locked in a limerent cycle.

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What is a twin flame concept?

The twin flame concept first originated from spiritual circles and is used to describe a couple where both people feel as if they are two halves of a whole, like they were meant to be together. Some people say the connection feels “fated” and “karmic” and some attribute it to having a connection or even being lovers in the past life.

So there is a feeling of intense attraction, synchronicity, coincidences and a sense of destiny that is built into these interactions.

There is no scientific evidence for twin flames.

For the record, I don’t believe in the concept of twin flames, even as a spiritual person. Even taking past lives into account – if you believe in past lives – we met many people back then in all editions of our past lives, who really knows if the strong connection we feel with someone in this lifetime is because of a past-life connection? How can we verify that?

And does having a strong “connection” mean we NEED to be with this person romantically in this lifetime?

I will come back to the questions above later.

Is there a difference then?

Well, the definitions make it sound like there is a difference. And technically there should be right? yup.

Instead, what I’m seeing with many people who come forward and claim they cannot be with their twin flame, they are only meant to be with this person and nobody else.

And this is where they lose me. Because for many people who talk about their “twin flame”, what is really going on for them is that they are limerent for their “twin flame” or rather their limerent object and using the “twin flame” concept as a cover to make it sound more magical and important than it really is, to give themselves the reason to hold onto this person.

All the above is classic limerent behaviour. Let’s take a look at what I’m talking about.

What some people really mean when they say they are hanging onto a person because they are “twin flames”

Now, I don’t deny that some people have really met their twin flames and they really believe in it and all. That’s great, not knocking on it. The group of people I’m really referring to is a group that clearly has limerent characteristics but uses a concept like a “twin flame” to make it seem more important than it is.

Let’s take a look at what some of them say about their twin flames:

• I can’t get over him or let go of him (because we are meant to be together)
• I think about him all the time (classic rumination and love addiction/obsession)
• We have this amazing “connection” (so we must be together – I will come back to this)
• I have an intense feeling for him, this intensity and desire must be because we had an amazing connection in our previous life
• We share a lot of uncanny similarities and the same interests
• I saw him and I knew it was destiny, we were meant to be together

None of the above sound like a spiritual connection. But it sounds like a person trying to justify an unhealthy attachment or crush on someone by calling it a twin flame and then using that as a reason to hang on to the person.

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When we place way too much emphasis on a connection when we meet someone

The thing about alot of these love obsessions, addictions and even when we are evaluating the dates that we are on or whether to continue seeing someone is that we are placing way too much emphasis on how we feel and the “connection” we share.

I’m not denying that connection and chemistry is important, it is. But there are two other ingredients that are important to a relationship:

• Compatibility – how well do you get along, your lifestyles, your outlook to life, your financial values, your values in general, how you view things in life etc.
• Commitment – and are you on the same level of commitment as the other? One of you may want to just date and see where it goes, the other may want a serious commitment that ultimately leads to marriage.

You may like each other alot and have crap ton of chemistry and “connection” and all. But, if the two points above do not align, you are not good for each other. You are not right for each other.

What is there to do then? Just move on.

A twin flame connection or being limerent for someone isn’t love when you guys can’t even be together (lack of commitment) and when you have yet to even figure out if there is compatibility. Intense emotions aren’t a sign that you need to be together. Intense emotions actually always makes us think there is a connection there when there’s actually nothing much than just feelings in the moment. Intensity is also linked to anxiety and if you have a pattern of anxiety in your love life, you will tend to always feel heightened emotions around someone and attribute it to love.

Don’t fall into the trap of thinking this twin flame connection is so special and that you need to keep hanging onto it, unable to move on with your life. Don’t use the connection of twin flames to disguise a love addiction. Feeling like something is “karmic” doesn’t make it true and even so, does not mean that you need to be with that person romantically.

Love is spiritual growth, being there for each other, it’s connection yes but compatibility, commitment, effort, kindness, patience and affection. A twin flame connection may feel special but if it doesn’t have those ingredients, it isn’t love and the person isn’t right for you. Let them go.

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