Have you ever heard of any of the following from men that you’ve dated/are dating when you asked them if they were ready for a serious relationship:
“I need to focus on my career right now”
“I’m afraid to commit.”
“The ‘spark’ just isn’t there anymore.”
“I’ve got issues from my past…”
“I know we’ve been dating awhile now but I need more time to think about us…”
“My last relationship really scarred me…”
“I’ve never had a healthy example of marriage in my life…”
Or have you ever thought:
- “Why does my boyfriend of 5 or 7 years refuse to commit?”
- “We act like a couple but he won’t commit”
- “He does not want to commit yet does not want to leave me alone, why?”
There is nothing wrong with you though. And the thing is, if you are hearing any of the above, the problem does not lie with you.
It lies with him.
When a guy is saying all these, they are ambivalent, have commitment issues, relationship baggage or any other number of things, that were already going on within him before you came along.
And, if you are someone serious about relationships and building a life together with someone that is willing to commit to you, you need to weed these men out of the dating pool, fast. You need to build the strength, know-how and courage to walk away.
But, before we get to talking about the non-committal men, let’s step back a little and examine how men who are truly into you behave.
Are you able to spot a commitment-phobic man + other red flags on a date? Find out in the quiz below
Here are key things you really need to keep in mind about men who are interested
- They always make time for what they decide is important. When a man prioritises you, you don’t have to be wondering if he’s too busy or anything. And even if he is, he will be scheduling you into his day, and not leaving you wondering when you guys gonna meet.
- They move things forward at a steady pace. When he is committed, there will be progress in the relationship. You will know that things are moving to a specific goal (whether that be marriage or dating seriously etc), there will be milestones that you meet together. You grow closer and get to know each other even better, there’s intimacy. You will never feel as if things are 2 steps forward 3 steps back.
- They take action. Men are creatures of action. When they are into you, they will want to get to know you, take you out on dates, speak to you. In fact, even the shy and quiet ones will do this if they have no other unhealthy attachment patterns. Whatever it is, he will do something, he will chase. Men are wired to do that.
- They never leave you guessing. A man who is interested in you never leaves you wondering where on earth you stand with them. You don’t have to be wondering like these ladies are (here, and here)
- A man who is genuinely interested in you wants to let you know of his interest. He won’t hide it or leave you wondering what his intentions are.
- They would want to lock you down quick. Men are always excited and eager to commit to the right woman for them. When they see someone good, they want her for themselves. They do not want other men swooping in to sweep her off her feet.
Some of you may be thinking right now, “But I’ve met men who did the above sometimes but the relationship/date did not go anywhere”. Yes, that absolutely happens. A man with other things on his mind or unhealthy attachment patterns or baggage he hasn’t quite resolved may display the above behaviour and ultimately not pursue things to their full 100%.
Let’s take a look at what are some behaviours ambivalent or non-committal men may display.
Why non-committal men do the things they do
When I was younger, I really loathed the saying “He’s not really into you”. I thought – he could be busy or have other things occupying his mind! But as I’ve grown older, I’ve come to understand and appreciate this quote a lot more, because it is true, most of the time. Men who are into you act very differently from when they aren’t. These are some of the observations that I’ve got from non-committal men:
- He likes you but there are other priorities in his life that matter more. This is where all the career-minded men fall into. Those who are busy with other things in their lives and do not want to – or cannot – prioritize a relationship – and may not be upfront with you about it; they all fall into this bucket. Sometimes a guy can really be into you, but if they have other things going on in his life – financial issues, family issues, career ladders to climb, their focus will be on that and you wouldn’t come first. Unfortunately, some of them won’t be upfront and tell you all this. But you will get clued in especially if you see no progress in the relationship and you constantly have to wonder where you stand with him.
- They had unhealthy relationship role models. Growing up, they may have had poor relationship role models in their family. Perhaps one or both parents weren’t around, their parents may have had abusive, tumultous relationships or they may not have seen much love and affection in the household, or how honesty or healthy communication really looks like. This can make it difficult for them to repeat healthy relationship behaviours for themselves later in life. It can also account for a lot of the inconsistent, hot-and-cold behaviours that you’d see.
- He may not be in a good space in life currently that allows him the capacity to show up as an “equal” partner. This can happen if he is currently battling some issues with addictions or drugs, or perhaps he is not over an ex (happens very frequently) or he hasn’t quite done the personal and spiritual growth himself so he is unable to recognise a good person in front of him when she appears.
Avoiding non-committal relationships and men? Grow your self-love first. Grab my guide below!

Signs of non-committal men
If you are someone looking for a commitment or someone serious about you, you’d actually have to give these non-committal men a wide berth. No matter how kind or handsome or rich he is, at some point down the road, he will disappoint you and won’t be able to give you what you want in a relationship. It’s bet you walk away early and don’t engage. So in order to be able to spot them from afar, here are some of the most common signs that non-committal men will display.
- They are not honest and are wishy washy. They will never tell you what is REALLY going on with them. There is a sense that they are hiding something or just not very straightforward about their intentions with you. You constantly wonder where he is going with the relationship and if you ask him, he may be very vague and indecisive.
- They seem to have trouble with relationships in general. They may have had a history of short-term relationships, and even if they were in long-term relationships previously, they may speak of their partners in a very emotionally distant way. Or perhaps they express certain things about themselves or their behavior in relationships that will clue you into how they handle relationships or commitment. As with all dating situations, pay close attention to what your date is saying about themselves.
- They are inconsistent and/or downright poor with communication. This is a big clue. People who generally don’t have issues with commitment or are emotionally available for romance will not want the communication with you to fall off, or leave you wondering if there is a “future” with them. The communication is steady and consistent. Not of the love-bombing variety (story for another post), but there is a slow, healthy, gradual move towards closeness and intimacy. There is an involvement in each other’s everyday lives and schedules. If there are going on a trip or having a busy day, they let you know they cannot meet or talk much, but they will be back after – that sort of thing. They don’t text non-stop one minute, then leave you in the dark for days or weeks then pop back up with a “hey how’s it going” crap if they are romantically interested.
- They are emotionally unavailable. This is the BIGGEST thing that most non-committal people really suffer from. Deep down, they may want a relationship but they cannot find it within themselves to be loyal or committed to someone. People who are unavailable find it hard to trust or get close to people. There is always a fear of rejection or abandonment. Some may even display dismissive-avoidant or anxious attachment styles. This usually stems from childhood when their caregivers were inconsisitent with affection or rather neglectful. The child then learns that it is no use seeking affection, as they wouldn’t receive it or it will be inconsistent. This causes them to mirror such ambivalent behaviours when they are older and in relationships of their own.
- They tell you. Pay close attention to what your date is saying about themselves and their readiness for a relationship. Many men are quite direct and upfront and if they have expressed that they have little desire for or are not in a good space to be in a relationship, believe them. It will save you alot of time and heartache.
What you need to do if you’ve fallen for someone who is not serious about you
#1 Believe what he says
When someone tells you that they are not ready, not over an ex, too busy etc to date you, then they won’t be in a good place to be a good partner. I’m a huge advocate of paying very close attention to what your partner is saying about themselves in the early part of the dating phase. When someone straight up tells you “I’m not a good guy”, “I’m not ready for a relationship” “I’m not able to date right now” LISTEN TO THEM. I cannot believe the number of people who hear these things from their dates/partners and still want to push ahead to something serious. And are then left wondering why the guy is so non-committal/wishy-washy.
Girl, he already told you. Listen to what he is saying. This is not the time to play the role of martyr and try to change him or exercise selective listening and pretend you never heard whatever he said. He has told you where he stands with you, and if it doesn’t match what you had in mind for a relationship, it’s a cue to walk away. Not hang around and wait for him to change his mind.
#2 Vet your dates thoroughly
Another surprising finding – but perhaps not so given how so many of us were never taught to date “properly” – is how so many people do not vet their potential partners properly. They just go off on good feelings or lust or sex or whatever and do not take a step back to really evaluate the person’s behaviour and fit.
Dates are supposed to be an opportunity to ask your partner questions about themselves, to find out if their goals and values align with yours, to spot any red flags and to take things slowly. Instead I always hear people talking about where they should have their date at, what type of date is it or what is he wearing/is he driving a car etc. Like those things don’t even matter. I previously knew someone who would judge every single date on the type of food he chose and what he was wearing – like how are those things even important in the bigger picture?
We all need to collectively start vetting people in the right ways. Make observing and evaluating a habit on dates. Hold them lightly, like a butterfly. Let them go if they aren’t a best fit for you.
#3 Look within and examine your self-worth
If you are constantly putting up or entertaining men who are always giving you inconsistent treatment, who cannot communicate well or express their emotions, who are ambivalent about you or are hot/cold, it’s actually a great time to start asking yourself why would you be okay with that? And why would you not want a man who is an opposite of all those things?
- Are you ambivalent yourself?
- Are you emotionally unavailable too? (EUs tend to attract other EUs).
- Do you crave drama in your relationships?
- Are you looking at dates in a “wrong” way?
- Do you have a scarcity mindset when it comes to love?
- Do you genuinely think this is the best that you can do?
The partners that we accept into our lives and the treatment we put up from them are very telling about us as people and the growth that we may be experiencing. Back when I had very low self-esteem, I constantly dated men who were emotionally unavailable and who treated me as if I was invisible. I pined for any morsel of attention from them as I pedestalized men and put them at the center of my world.
When I started doing the soul and personal growth through the years, I valued their attention way less, learnt to love myself deeper and be there for my well-being, and I found that I was no longer attracted to inconsistent, ambivalent types. I didn’t even bother speaking to them if I found out they were one.
If you are constantly attracting men who refuse to commit, whereas you’d love a loving, close connection where partners commit to one another, it’s time to look within and start to take back your power and rebuild your sense of self.
Need help rebuilding your self-esteem? Grab my workbook/guide and start taking back your power!

#4 Stop over-investing in him and your emotions so early, especially if he’s been inconsistent
One thing I’ve noticed about so many of us is – we all have attachment issues and unresolved trauma from childhood that has gone on to affect our love lives. When we have unhealthy attachment patterns and trauma-bonding behaviour, we tend to be overly attached to men we don’t know well and invest alot of our emotions upfront. It’s like emotional co-dependency.
The problem is when you invest all your time and emotions into someone who isn’t really pursuing you and is very inconsistent towards you.
When huge inconsistencies start introducing themselves, cut your losses and stay away. Many clients come to me and ask me why would a guy show alot of interest and blow up their phones at first and then suddenly grow completely cold or distant, and if they should do anything about it. The answer to these sorta situations is that you don’t. You just decide for yourself if this sort of behaviour is what you want to accept from a partner, if you deserve to be treated this way. If it is a hard no, you just move on.
It doesn’t really matter if he’s into playing games, messing with your head, if he suddenly got busy (and didnt bother to communicate that), if he’s a love-bomber or faking the interest, or a poor texter or what not. It really does not matter the reason. As long as you are not being treated as you think you should, it’s time to cut your losses and move on. Free yourself to meet someone who is able to actually communicate and be forward and steady with his intentions and pacing of the relationship.
It’s only when they show they are consistent and good at communicating, then you start investing your time and emotions, and not anytime before.
In conclusion
If you are looking for a committed relationship and partner, such individuals are not a good fit for you. They will dig into your self-worth, make you doubt yourself further and if you are an obsessive sort, it will start you down a road of ruminating and wondering why he is the way he is.
Instead, take the time to start working on your Self, loving yourself better, treating yourself with respect, building up your self esteem, then when you get on the dating front, it doesn’t matter whether someone likes you or not, and you will weed out these types with so much ease, you will wonder why you haven’t been able to do it before.