What is retroactive jealousy?
It is when you feel threatened by your partner’s past relationships. This could be due to a few things – insecurity, low self-esteem, fears, many reasons.
This threatening feeling can feel very consuming and like your entire life is being taken over.
Many people who are experiencing retroactive jealousy aren’t actually sure that what they are going through is retroactive jealousy. It can feel very “normal” or “usual” if this has been a pattern for you for a long time.
So, to help you identify if you do suffer from retroactive jealousy, here is a list of some of the key signs.
#1 Constant intrusive thoughts about your partner’s past
The key defining quality is your constant thoughts about your partner’s past, their exes, thinking about what they did, how they felt about each other, where they went, how their relationship was like etc.
The thoughts are intrusive, random and uncontrollable. They can occur at anytime of the day, whenever, regardless of what you are doing.
#2 Stalking your partner’s exes
You may feel a need to constantly stalk your partner’s exes – their social media, where they live/work/how are they like.
The key reason people do this is to get a sense of what the ex was like and how the dynamics of their relationship with your partner could be like.
There could also be comparisons with the ex – how they look like, how are they like as a person compared to you etc. Social media is the most popular platform for stalking and is usually the first platform I try to get my clients to break their patterns with.
Struggling with retroactive jealousy? Not sure if you are? Find out in the quiz below!
#3 Confronting your partner about their past
You would often feel the need to ask your partner questions about the past, rehashing past conversations you may have already had. You feel the need to repeatedly seek for reassurance.
You may have experienced an overwhelming need to ask your partner about their past at random times of the day. Usually without any reason, but to quell the racing thoughts and feelings that you are experiencing.
These thoughts and feelings can be very overwhelming and difficult to tear away from. You would also notice that any reassurances you get from your partner tend to be short-lived.
You may feel relieved and comforted for awhile and then a random, intrusive thoughts may occur and you feel anxious and insecure all over again, and would need their ressurance. It’s a cycle that usually keeps repeating itself.
#4 An inability to focus on the present
When your thoughts are constantly on your partner’s past and what happened with them back when they were with other people, it can be difficult to be immersed emotionally in the current relationship.
This is because you are not mentally and emotionally present. You are constantly anxious, stressed and worried about your partner’s ex, whether your partner still has feelings for them, doubting their feelings for you, constantly wondering if they truly like you or not.
This is incredibly stressful for any individual and because all of us have a capacity to how much we can take on mentally and emotionally, it can completely take you away from your current relationship, making it hard to enjoy being together with your partner.
#5 Constantly feeling anxious and fearful that your partner is about to leave
When you are experiencing retroactive jealousy, it can be difficult to relax and feel psychologically safe in our relationship. You may feel “hypervigilant”, constantly afraid that your partner may leave you for someone else or for their ex.
As a result, you’d constantly be checking the “atmosphere” of your relationship. Asking your partner if they like you, constantly needing reassurance and being very watchful of their behaviours.
At my worst when I suffered from retroactive jealousy, I actually checked through my former partner’s diary and phone to see if he had secretly texted his exes or wrote about them.
This leads to the next point.
#6 A feeling that you cannot trust your partner
When you are always in an anxious state or feeling like you always need to check your partner’s belongings to see if they are “cheating” on you, about to betray you and may like someone else, it can be hard to trust them.
They may not be doing anything but you’d still feel like you can never trust them and will always question their feelings towards you. This is behaviour that is usually not very sustainable in a relationship and can be incredibly difficult to build a healthy dynamic on.
#7 Feeling like you are alone in our behaviour and that you are “crazy”
With retroactive jealousy, the constant anxiety, racing thoughts/feelings, hypervigilance, checks, social media stalking and then constantly feeling like you need to confront your partner can make you feel insane.
I know cause I’ve been there.
Add to the fact that most people around you may not have any idea what you are on about or may find your feelings difficult to understand. This is because retroactive jealousy isn’t logical, it’s essentially emotional.
Finding it painful to carry on in your relationship with retroactive jealousy? Trying not to be threatened by your partner’s exes but you just can’t seem to let go of the past? 1 on 1 help is available – just DM me here on Instagram