Nostalgia.
Is it regret? A longing for the past? Are they just simply memories? Are they meant to be this bittersweet, this sad?
Nostalgia is not something I’ve felt very often, until recently. Previously, it was admittedly some form of regret – I wished I had dated more in my 20s, I wished I studied harder when I was younger, I wished I was more sociable in university, I wished…I wished I didn’t have that relationship drag on for so long in my 20s.
I wish. I wish. I wish.
I am not someone who lives with regret or likes to live with regret. While I think of the past sometimes, I don’t waste alot of time feeling like I have a huge amount of regrets or that “life has passed me by”. Of course, there is wistfulness or a tinge of “what if” when I think of certain events from my youth. Would I want to undo events? Most certainly. But the difference is that – I don’t feel like I want my life back then – I may want to go back in time to make some changes – but I always love where I am. The present is where I want to be, the future is an undiscovered pot of gold.
But a wave of nostalgia has hit me since last year. I’m not sure why – but it has come in ebbs and flows. The moment in time I keep finding myself returning to – early 2008 to around 2009 or 2010. There were several things happening at this time, and not all of them pleasant. In fact this beautiful time overlapped with an incredibly difficult time in my life – where my parents were having huge violent fights because of home renovations. My father has always been physically abusive to my mother, something I witnessed growing up and which sometimes makes me wonder if that is the reason why I am still single to this day. Story for another day though. But yes, those times were when I would have moments of happiness and peace like reading on a Sunday morning, enjoying my breakfast on a Sunday morning to have it completely shattered because my dad would decide to bring some strangers over to clear the place and throw out everything my mum owned.
That was the sort of horrible, terrible person he is. And I hope that somewhere along the way he has reflected on his horrible self and made amends. But there’s still a part of me that hasn’t and probably never will actually, forgive him for the way he treated my mother and the way he allowed me to witness so many terrible things as a small child. But at some point, I also know that these things are his burden and price to pay for and it’s between him and his Creator to settle.
But, I’m sorry, I’ve digressed greatly. So in summary, that was a horrible moment in time. But I too had several lovely moments:
My first temporary job
I had my very first temp job at Nike. It was all the way at the Expo MRT and I had to take a bus – 24 – from my house, and it took about an hour and a half. I’ve always loved long bus rides, even though it was less convenient than the train. I could find a seat, sleep, read, watch a drama (will come back to this), I knew the route and where I was supposed to alight simply from the way the bus turned on the road. I remember the long walk through the empty air-conditioned expo halls on my way to work. I remember buying things at the various retail events that would be held at these halls, I still have some clothing I bought from those events to this day, squashed somewhere in my wardrobe. I can’t wear them anymore but I can’t bear to give them away too.
I remember the crowded food halls, because every huge company like IBM and banks had their back offices in that area. My good friend – who still is a friend to this day though we go months without interacting – who worked at DHL and I would meet almost everyday after work to take the bus home together. We would sometimes take the bus to the airport as well to wonder around and to have dinners. We got excited together when we would get our (very measly) pay. We would sometimes meet for lunch and get severely soaked in the rain on the way back to our offices.
The walks from the train and the expo halls to the office were some of my favourites. Though I had many a shoe malfunction haha. Several slippers broke off on that very pavement and I remember just walking barefoot through the expo halls to the bus stop. I remember the smell of the Burger King and how lunchtimes would be so very crowded.
I don’t remember much of my work though and didn’t have very nice bosses at that time. The current me would consider such personalities toxic at this point in my life, and I guess it was typical of sales/marketing roles. I’m not sure what I learnt either from there, except my main boss telling me that dealing with the apparel sales sheets are not like “school projects” hence I had to take it seriously. This was something I never understood about many bosses in the workplaces in my country – they expect you to read your minds and judge you if you don’t perform to expectations, instead of just guiding you. I just remember she wasn’t nice and had a very unique name. I remembered crying randomly once at work when things were stressful – clear signs of a toxic place.
So things weren’t great, but there were very strong positive feelings that I had from this job.
Discovering Dong Bang Shin Ki (DBSK)
On said job, while browsing youtube one day, my algo showed me the Korean variety show – Xman. And on one of those episodes, I spotted a light brown haired man, he was tall, lean built, sporty, competitive, had a gorgeous smile and was oh so handsome. Later I learnt, that man was U Know Yunho from Kpop Juggernauts DBSK. I started to watch more Xman episodes, looking for him and it brought me down an incredibly pleasant rabbit hole of Korean variety shows, DBSK content and music, and that started my love for Kpop.
I no longer like Kpop anymore, and it’s been a long time since I have. But the music from those years were great, and DBSK’s sound and performances were amazing. Yunho remains my first and very last Kpop crush haha! But uncovering them uncovered a whole new world to me, a world I never knew existed. And in those darker days in my personal life, their music and their content was like lying ensconced in cotton candy fluff. I loved it, it was so good and I never wanted to leave.
I was never a part of their official fandom because there always seemed to be some sort of arrogance that fans would have and would try to keep newcomers out. And also, over the years, well, I’ve discovered that Kpop fans are all some kinda weird. I’ve honestly not met one who is normally functional in society. I rather enjoy the music and whatever content on my own. Fast forward to 2026, and I’ve attended Yunho’s concert, actually made friends there, and have started collecting their DB5K pre-split content which has gone out of print. I want to give the 19 year old me the space to enjoy DBSK now that I’m financially capable of doing so.
Another discovery: Korean Dramas and Princess Hours
A few months in the last few months of 2007, I was introduced to this whole new world of Kdramas by a close friend. I had no idea what was going on but I was strangely addicted to what I was watching. It was fascinating. Delightful Girl Choon Hyang, Witch Yoo-Hee, Princess Hours. Oh Princess Hours.
It got me in a chokehold. So strong and intoxicating, it had me spending hours on the computer stressing over download speeds of the drama episodes, and then frantically searching for a video converter where I could convert those episodes into a watchable version on my phone. I remembered having a phone that couldn’t quite hold a large amount of videos at one go. So it meant that an episode would be spliced into 10 parts, and I would take whatever time I had during my commute or when I was at lunch to catch up on all the parts. It was such a nice time (and when Kdramas were much better in quality and storytelling, and have yet to be “contaminated” by global interests).
Whenever nostalgia hits, I find myself returning to the innocence of those days – what Kdrama represents back then, what this drama represented for me and the time of my life it reminds me of.
University Life: The textured components that made life feel..alive
There is something about university, that is qualitatively different from the other times we were in school. There is a sort of independence that comes with it – you plan your own timetables, you decide where and when you want to study, you decide which groups to join, you decide what to do in your free time.
It’s a real discovery – you may date, you may join a ton of social activities, you may have as full a schedule as you want, you may get to know as many people as you want.. or not. And there was so much learning! This has got to be one of the biggest values in my life – learning and knowing new things constantly. I regreted not doing so bakc in university and didn’t take my classes seriously.
In essence, there was a ton of choice, and fun, and a textured, productive kind of living that working life or adult life as we know it doesn’t quite have. There were still responsibilities – I was also figuring out finances, decluttering, working out, dealing with more serious family stuff. But it doesn’t get in the way of the entire texture of life. There was always things to do, people to meet, learnings to do.
Post-uni adult life just isn’t that… interesting. Yes, I’ve earned more money and have accomplished some nice things in life, and got to know myself so much better over the years. But there was something always missing. Work life can be repetitive, boring and mundane. It can be easier to fall into a cycle of the same old thing, with no new events or friends. I’ve never been interested in being a parent so kids were never on the table for me, but even with a partner it can get so repetitive.
What do I do with the nostalgia then?
When I checked in with myself as to what I could do with this nostalgia, the answer was simple: I shouldn’t try to extinguish it. Instead I should listen to what it’s trying to tell me, what it’s been asking for. It’s trying to tell me to bring back these elements into my life again, but in a way that present me would be comfy with.
- My regret about not studying harder says: learn deeply again. In fact I’ve fashioned my months into “semesters” much like university days where I learn something just for the sake of. Tea, eastern philosophy, ancient Chinese culture – and this time around.. no exams!
- My regret about not participating says: go to things now. Go to events big and small, go because a colleague invited me, go with no expectations. Events where I’ve just went with zero expectations and just with an open mind and heart have reaped me so much of joy and opened up whole new worlds to me
- My regret about not dating more isn’t necessarily an instruction to frantically date; it may be saying: leave more doors open for people to enter my life. Organically is the way for me.
- Missing university says: give life semesters, projects, communities and novelty again.
- DBSK says: allow yourself uncomplicated enthusiasm.
- Princess Hours on the way to Expo says: ordinary days can become beloved memories. I’m gonna pay attention to this one, and will be talking about it in another post.
And there’s one especially lovely difference between then and now I think.
At 19 or 21, I was experiencing all those things while having relatively little control over what was happening in my family and not knowing what my life would become. I wasn’t even quite sure what I really wanted and who I was. I just knew that those elements in my life made me very happy then.
At 37 (and beyond), I get to curate the next era deliberately. And I know what versions of those past self I would want in my life.