“Why am I still single?” 6 reasons why I prefer going solo
I hurried towards the cafe, slightly out of breath, scanning the small cosy premises for a guy. The guy I was supposed to be meeting after we swiped right on each other on a dating app a couple of days ago.
He came across funny, well-spoken and we seemed to connect. Traits that I could not see in the dude sipping his latte across from me. This was the same person from the app? Gone was the humour and in place was a derisive, condescending demeanor.
He didn’t look like his photos either (a huge problem in the online dating world). I sighed inwardly and started thinking of excuses to bail.
This would mark my fifth time going on a date and just not liking or connecting with the guy before me.
Before I tried online dating and decided I disliked it, I’ve been enjoying my single status for quite some time. I did see people here and there, but had very little desire and motivation to change my status.
I’ve had boyfriends but was never the sort to chase after romance, and even when I was in relationships – I felt ambivalent about my partners. I’ve also never really dreamed of getting married or having kids.
Those desires might change but right now I am loving my single life and don’t exactly want to be coupled up.
I’ve always wondered why, and it took a little bit of digging over the summer vacation to realise what those reasons are. At this point in time at least.
I enjoy my freedom
Relationships feel disruptive to me. Like I have to take time out of my schedule to spend it with someone, and right now I am loving my life too much to want to do that.
I also have too much stuff on my plate – stuff I love doing – that I can’t see myself making room for someone.
Personal freedom is a thing of extreme value to me, and I won’t be sacrificing this anytime soon.
I know what I want and…I don’t see it
I do have a set of values and principles that I’m hoping the guy will share. Some personality traits I find attractive. There are also relationship dealbreakers I look out for. Looks are also important to me.
Dating and relationships sometimes very much depend on luck and the environment you are in. I just have not seen a combo of those things I’ve mentioned where I am.
People in my culture always seem to be working. Many do not have hobbies, besides eating out, shopping, watching movies/dramas, hitting the gym.
I need a guy who has more intellectual or creative/artistic pursuits and neither of those are that popular.
Conversations tend to center around what places to eat/shop, wages, jobs, complaining about something or other. It just makes for very, very boring people and very, very boring conversations and dates.
I’m not sure if I’m available – emotionally
I have a tendency to not really want to get too close to people. I’m alright meeting my friends once in a long while for example.
Whilst I do like bonding, intimacy and sharing my thoughts and parts of my life with people, on the whole I tend to be more private. So having to share my life with someone else does not always come easily to me.
I value my personal space and independence VERY MUCH
My previous boyfriend was way too clingy and sticky and I don’t ever want to repeat that again. It was a complete nightmare and I lost my identity in the relationship.
Some guys I’ve dated after him were also fast-forwarders (moved the relationship too quickly) and were clingy after one date.
I need someone who is equally independent and gives me freedom too. I need a lot of space to recharge and do my own things/spend time with friends and hobbies.
Which is probably one reason I can’t imagine having kids. I look at people I know who do, and it’s always a rush from one thing to another.
I feel exhausted watching them, I can’t imagine leading that sort of life – especially one where I won’t be able to have much time with my spouse or with myself.
Relationships these days are getting difficult
Divorce and breakups on the rise. Technology and modern values affect relationships in a not-so-good way.
I may be pessimistic but think relationships are a mess these days and I personally think it’s getting harder to find someone with a good set of values and personality.
What I’ve noticed on my dates as well as listening to my friends’ experiences, is that a number of people out there are just plain broken, are pretty immature for their age, don’t know themselves well, have little desire to grow or get better at life and are addicted to all sorts of vices and bad habits.
Many also do not know what they really want and just follow whatever everyone else is doing.
It’s really difficult having a relationship with people like that. And I’m not even talking about personality traits yet.
I’m not interested in the conventional lifepath
Marry at x age, have kids, watch them grow up. I find it all too predictable. While I do want to marry at some point, I don’t really want kids. Which makes me less motivated to find someone.
Why don’t I want kids? Well, besides the fact that my personal space will be non-existent, I think it’s hella expensive and I honestly don’t want to bring my children into this messy, chaotic world.
We all have our own journeys to take in relationships
At my age in and in my culture, people tend to get on edge if they aren’t married/with kids and everyone around them is doing so. It’s like a race to the altar. Whatever for?
We all have our own life journeys, your friend getting married at 28 and you at 38 doesn’t make you any less of a person. We need to stop measuring our worth according to our relationship status.
The media and society tends to like to push this one-size-fits-all approach for everyone. There’s this notion that you have to live life exactly the same and do things at a certain age. If you don’t, you are weird and you aren’t keeping up everyone else. So much for diversity.
Ever since I stopped sweating the dating/marriage thing and started accepting the fact that I really REALLY loved being single, I feel so much happier.
Being single is absolutely awesome. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. I can travel whenever I want. Stay at home and work on my hobbies.
I don’t have to adjust to someone’s schedule, or stop doing something just cause a boyfriend doesn’t like it. None of that.
Being in a relationship is really fun, but for me to ever want to get into one, it has to be much more awesome-sauce than staying single.
With 10 years of experience as a Researcher (MSc) in Psychology, Neuroscience, Mental Health, Consumer and Organisational Behaviour; I help action-oriented, time-strapped people and solopreneurs crush their inner critics, navigate toxic workplaces and relationships and build their self-esteem so that you can have the freedom, happiness and confidence you desire. I spend the rest of my time daydreaming and downing cups of tea/coffee – my life’s vice.