I was watching a drama recently where one of the leading ladies, being a shoe aficionado was struggling with the decision to purchase a very gorgeous looking pair of shoes that were a size too small. She loved the way it looked, wanted to possess it at all costs, even if it would cost her, in the way of her feet feeling pinched.
What was interesting as well was a scene after of the store assistant expressing concern and telling her that she wouldn’t be able to spend a long time walking in those shoes because of the discomfort she would be feeling.
She responding by dismissing the assistant and declaring “I will have whatever I want in life”.
I was struck by how similar this scene was to how so many of us approach romantic relationships and our choice of partners.
Are we always choosing the right people to be with?
Choosing the right shoes is about a comfortable fit, a good fit. It’s not going to be a perfect pair of shoes, but you feel good in them. Choosing a romantic partner is rather the same thing – this guy/gal isn’t the perfect person but the both of you just fit so well together.
Of course, there will always be people who are alright with a looser fit, or a tighter, painful pair. There are also people who are okay with any shoe in any size as long as it’s a shoe.
If you’ve been doing the above all your life, it’s time to be honest with yourself. Ask yourself what sort of shoe you are looking for? And in what size? What shoe would be a good fit for you?
So many of us rush through romance, date without any boundaries, ignore red flags (here, here and here) and then wonder why we are so unhappy with our choice of mate several months or years down the road.
How different it’d be for us, if we actually took the time to choose the right pair of shoes properly? Took the time to get to know our romantic partners properly before rushing into anything? To determine what a good fit is to us? And being patient as it sometimes takes trying on many different pairs before we find the right one, just like we need to date a few people before realising what we really want.
[mailerlite_form form_id=86]Possession is not love
An important theme that came up in the drama was that of possession and obsessing, and relating that to romantic love. Possession and obsession isn’t healthy love. It’s self-serving. It’s about control and about vibing in a space of fear and lack. You are afraid of losing the person and in so doing, you start treating the person, not as an individual with agency and freewill, but more of an item for you to control.
True romantic love is rather sacrificial. Not to the point of becoming a doormat. You know where your boundaries lie and you have a healthy sense of personal space within the relationship. But at the same time, your partner’s well-being and needs are of equal importance. You also understand that your partner is an individual with their own freewill and rights, that it is not healthy to dictate, obsess and control their every move.
When to listen to advice from others
There always has been a bit of a mixed sentiment towards asking people outside of your relationship for advice. I personally am not for it, but I do realise where it’d serve its purpose. At times you do need a second opinion and it can be difficult to decipher what is really going on when you are in the relationship. An outsider could see things more clearly.
I do like asking friends for a second opinion sometimes, but I am discerning about the advice I receive. If you find yourself constantly asking people for their opinion of your relationship, it could be a sign that you aren’t communicating well enough with your partner.
That said, I find that friends have a pretty spot-on impression of your partner and whether you guys are a good fit, if they are close enough to you.