Okay, don’t laugh at me. But I just recently binge-watched Netflix’s 2021 limited series Behind Your Eyes. I rarely binge stuff these days as I think there’s been a huge decline in quality and depth of many series and movies out there, but boy was this good!
I’ve been meaning to watch it back in 2021, but so manyyy things just happened, and well, I finally did it! Being who I am and what I do for work, I couldn’t help analysing the relationship between the 3 main characters and how things turned out the way they did for all of them.
There are some solid lessons about dating, relationships and life in general in there that I’d like to share with you today.
*Caution: Mild spoilers ahead!*
#1 Sometimes a kiss at a bar is just a kiss at a bar
And should be left at that. You may think this thing you are having is amazing and you have amazing chemistry and so on, when it’s really just the alcohol and the lusty part of your brain talking.
You actually have literally no idea who you are kissing or hooking up with. The person is a complete stranger and you have no idea who they are yet. The thing about hookup culture that I dislike is that kisses which we all thing are simple are rarely left at the bar, the next thing you know, you will be at someone’s hotel or house and shagging.
Talk about getting overly intimate way too soon. If hookups are your thing, cool, just know what you are getting yourself into. If you are not the hookup type of person, stop doing things like that to yourself. You are trying to use sex and physical intimacy to seek out a sort of long-term connection with a stranger.
What many people don’t realise is that they aren’t cut out at all for hookups. Oxytocin effects are real and you end up bonding prematurely with someone you barely even know. If you aren’t about that life, then stop going to places where you’ll be tempted to hook up with someone, the after-effects rarely feel good the morning-after and it just reeks of a lack of self-love and self-care.
Are you able to spot right flags in a date? Let’s find out in the quiz below!
#2 Getting involved with your boss is always a bad idea
When I was watching the earlier episodes, all I could think of was – if Louise had drawn some boundaries (cos it was clear David wasn’t gonna do it) early on and just put her foot down, said no I’m not entertaining this weird situation, the entire series wouldn’t have existed, lol.
She couldn’t have known that the man she kissed at the bar was about to be her boss. But when she found that out, that was the perfect time to stop. Instead she let it go on and on, allowing him into her house (so creepy how he was “just in the area and found himself near her house”) and kept falling prey to David’s “pain” and “loneliness” and “sadness” (I’ll talk about over-sympathising with others later).
It was okay to show care and concern but getting romantically involved with your boss is always a big fat no. And what did she get for her troubles? She got fired from her nice job. It never ends well.
To be clear, I’m not blaming Louise for David’s actions and complete lack of boundaries. He clearly has issues and isn’t a good person. But we should all be held accountable for our own part in things, and she allowed herself to cross some dangerous boundaries.
#3 Getting involved with a married man is an even worse idea
And doing it knowing he is married is super shitty, and worse, befriending his wife whilst shagging him? Come on. Willingly committing adultery knowing that you are inflicting pain and hurt on someone else? That’s so incredibly low.
Louise said she did it because she wanted to be the one to “make mistakes” and just do what she wants and be herself whilst Adam was away and that “this will all end once Adam is back” – really, now? The worse thing was she actually recognised that Adele was in the exact same place she as in before – Louise had her own husband commit adultery with someone at work which led to their divorce, and now she’s doing the same to Adele. I don’t know, but this and several other reasons contributed to my intense dislike of her.
It’s like the ultimate betrayal of one woman to woman, both of whom are/were in similar circumstances. That she chose her own pleasure with little guilt or sympathy (she was never really portrayed as showing much guilt or remorse) and inflicted the same pain she experienced on another? Just so damn low. Anyway I digress.
Your need to make mistakes and have fun does not have to be at the expense of someone else’s feelings and someone else’s relationship/marriage. You can go have fun with other people.
Also, things that do not start on a right footing, rarely end well. Affairs and adultery in particular. The entire intention, vibe and energy of the two people are not right and you may think this sounds woo-woo but the Universe rarely rewards this sort of behaviour. There is bound to be some kind of payback and karma for actions like that, just sayin’.
One way to attract and sustain better, healthier relationships is to work on your self-esteem:

#4 You can’t really know everything about someone…trust people with caution
Adele trusted Rob alot while they were friends in Westlands. Maybe it was inevitable and maybe Adele was just a naturally very trusting person, but I don’t know, I wouldn’t go announcing where I lived and that my parents are rich to just about anyone I met anywhere. Some things are meant to be kept private.
But she told alot about herself to Rob, who really wasn’t a good person at the core, and an addict to boot. He envied her life and wanted everything she had and turned a method she taught him against her.
Louise was another, way too trusting and believed Rob/Adele way too much.
It doesn’t hurt to be a bit more guarded with your heart and what information you share with whom. Also, never hurts to build up your impression of someone over time instead of just taking everything they say at face value.
#5 If someone’s relationship feels off, do not get in the middle of it
I spend most of the episodes just shaking my head at Louise. She knew something was not quite right with David and Adele, never mind her adultery. But she still goes and gets in the middle of it. Despite David and her friend Sophie, warning her so. many. times.
Yes, sometimes when someone comes to you for help in a relationship issue – it could be a domestic abuse issue or some other more serious circumstance where you may want to get involved and help the victim, if you choose. But only if you know the couple well.
There have been so many instances where people have come to me complaining about their spouses/partners and none of them turned out to be completely true. Sometimes, people just wanna rant, and sometimes, the people doing the ranting/complaining are actually the toxic ones causing trouble. Something to keep in mind.
But if things feel off in someone else’s relationship, and you feel like someone is not being truthful, especially with people/couples you don’t know well? Stay away from all of it.
#6 When people tell/show you who they are, believe them
Several times, Rob told Adele that he really wanted her life and that he envied her. He was also addict who still was smoking other substances although he may not have been shooting up heroin.
Louise was told/shown in many ways by both David and Adele that something wasn’t quite right with them, but she refused to listen to her gut and stay away, but did the opposite.
When people tell you who they are and show you through their actions, believe them, they are giving you hints. So many times when we are dating or in the early stages of acquaintanceship, and people tell us stuff? We just brush it off.
I remembered how an incredibly manipulative guy I was seeing for abit told me that he “turns into a wolf at night” and that girls he dated “always ghosted him” and it didn’t seem to really faze him. I thought it was all a joke and ignored it all until I realised he was into some dark, depraved sexual stuff.
Pay attention when people tell/show you who they are. They the biggest, truest hints you will ever get about them.
#7 When several people warn you about a partner or a relationship, LISTEN to them
Louise had several people warning her about the relationship – her friend Sophie did several times but was brushed off and chased away. Even David himself warned her several times not to get involved. She was guarded for a reason against Adele because her intuition was making up that something wasn’t right.
Did she ever listen? Nope.
Usually when people, especially those close to you warn you about someone, they are usually picking up on signs and happenings that we can’t or won’t. It’s harder for us to pick up on signals sometimes because we are right smack in the middle of the situation and are too emotionally invested to be objective.
This is a reason why I always recommend that people bring round their partners to introduce to family and friends early on, especially when it’s been established that things are starting to get serious. Your loved ones may be able to pick up on some things that you are unable to.
#8 Be careful who you are over-sympathizing with
Plenty of times, we see Louise sympathizing with Adele’s “loneliness” and “pain”. Because Louise felt lonely and craved for love in a relationship, she saw Adele’s own situation as a mirror of her own, and that was how she started to sympathize with her.
Now there is just normal sympathizing and there is over-sympathizing, and many people tend to lean into the latter group – especially if they have been alone for too long, lonely or have trauma they haven’t healed.
They see someone’s painful situation as similar to theirs, making them comrades and this makes them feel less alone. In some cases, this is a form of trauma bonding, where two people with their own unhealed traumas find comfort in each other, but have little to nothing in common beyond their trauma.
In many cases, when this happens, you may find yourself fast-forwarding the friendship or relationship, feeling as if you know the person for ages although you only ever know fragments of their story. This also fast forwards emotional intimacy, which can be dangerous in some cases, especially because you don’t know this person well enough yet.
#9 Loneliness can make you seek out connections you regret
A running theme in Louise’s, David’s and in Rob/Adele’s lives was that of loneliness. They were so lonely and alone and instead of finding meaningful, productive ways of connecting with others or with themselves, they turn to bad habits with disastrous consequences – sleeping with their married boss, psychologically abusing a spouse, over-indulging in alcohol.
All of these have themes of poor boundaries and poor self-control along with ineffective or non-existent coping methods running through as well.
Loneliness is a societal epidemic in my opinion and is in my view connected with the rise of technology. People no longer know how to date or how to make friends anymore, they are socially awkward and disconnected from themselves.
I used to feel quite lonely and unaccepted as well but I’ve done some things since to fix them. Along the way though, I dated people and befriends others who weren’t great and letting them into my life messed with my energy. One solution I used to “solve” that? Self-love.
Did you watch Behind Her Eyes or something similar? What lessons stood out to you?