Relationship 101: Relationships and Appearances

The trouble with being blinded by appearances in relationships

It’s not that appearance/attractiveness doesn’t have a factor in attraction but when you overvalue appearance you end up ininsubstantial, superficial relationships. If you’re appearance focused, you won’t see the leaves, never mind the wood for the trees, and will be blinded to far more substantial problems


…In being so superficially focused not feel that you have to put in any real effort and even think you can substitute appearance for intimacy. I know a number of people that believe that they just need to ‘show up’ and they’re only realising now that nobody goes out with your face, breasts, height, big penis, floppy hair or six-pack. These may get you through the door but unless someone is superficial, you need some substance behind you.


***If you prioritise appearance when choosing partners, you’ll make blind assumptions about them and give too much credit for your powers of evaluation. You’ll assume that because you find themattractive, that it must mean they’re in possession of other qualities, characteristics, and values that you’d like in a partner.


***These assumptions are dangerous because we go out with our image of what these things mean, not the actual person which is why it feels like a confusing punch in the face when things go awry.


For a start, if it was your appearance, it would mean you were with a superficial partner who avoids the real issues and any of their own inadequacies by blaming your appearance which is denial, delusion, and hideous.You can’t forge a relationship with someone that thinks this – rationalising the irrational.


It’s not your appearance; it’s the relationship. You could scalpel yourself into a different person and those same problems and how you feel about you would still exist. 

…Why you may end up in a relationship that may look good, but feel bad, or just be plainhollow.



If you don’t like and love you and despise your appearance, you’ll believe people see the things that you hate too, which will cloud your judgement about why they say and do things.


***You have to start asking yourself – what can my appearance do for me? Yes it can help you to feel good but as any person that looks good and feels ugly on the inside can tell you, it’s just surface unless you solve interior problems with interior solutions and ultimately like and love yourself.



Appearance changes which makes it conditional so by you or they being focused on it, it means this is conditional love.


***(omg yes) 

This is the same as losing weight or contemplating cosmetic surgery – unless the reasons are solely yours and what you’re doing is being done with some work to ensure that you’re emotionally nurtured in the process and dealing with any outstanding issues, don’t go there. Losing weight/cosmetic surgery to ‘win’ someone who just isn’t that special anyway means that it will never be enough. It’s like saying“I think you’re a really superficial person so let’s be superficial together.”

***What you think others think about appearance gives a window into how you feel about appearance.

People who hate their appearance often gravitate to superficial people for validation – it’s like trying to catch a few rays. These same people tend to at best, be vacant, and at worst be full on assclowns.


You can keep flogging the appearance horse but that’s because it’s the uncomfortable comfort zone. Have an honest conversation with yourself and don’t construct superficial reasons around much deeper issues because you will get deep into an unhealthy relationship or persecute yourself unnecessarily.


You don’t need a life that looks good but feels bad; you need a life thatfeels good to you.


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