Betting On Potential – Are You Gambling On a Relationship Capacity That Doesn’t Exist?

Betting On Potential – Are You Gambling On a Relationship Capacity That Doesn’t Exist?
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Moving On From Disappointment: Are you focused on the person, or on the bigger picture of your life?

Moving On From Disappointment: Are you focused on the person, or on the bigger picture of your life?
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Advice Wednesday: What If Grieving Takes Too Long After The End of My Engagement & My Bereavement & Then I Miss Out?

Advice Wednesday: What If Grieving Takes Too Long After The End of My Engagement & My Bereavement & Then I Miss Out?
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Ask yourself: Is there a way that I could love myself AND be in the relationship too?

Ask yourself: Is there a way that I could love myself AND be in the relationship too?:Some excerpts:

A great litmus test for understanding whether something is our responsibility is to look at whether the efforts we throw at it make a positive difference over time.

If nothing happens or we experience temporary change and then it reverts to the typical pattern, it’s because whatever we’re trying to influence or control, is not our responsibility or within our control, hence why twisting ourselves into a pretzel in order to ‘make’ someone become available, is a waste of time.

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Your Plan Isn’t The Plan

Your Plan Isn’t The Plan:

Some quotes:

Not knowing how things are going to work out drives us crazy even though none us know the finer details of how our future is going to unfold. We want it yesterday and so we expend a lot of energy trying to control things and stressing about when and if things are going to happen. We find it hard to have faith in ourselves or in life in general.

‘Should’ is rigid. It’s ‘rules’ that aren’t actual rules, and yeah, it’s ego. We forget who we are and we forget where we’ve been, our values, needs, desires etc., and we say things about us that either feed a sense of inadequacy or falsely bolster us by making out that we’re being wronged and thwarted by others that we feel that we should be the same as or better than. This veering between inferiority and superiority effectively cuts us off from our true selves and causes us to self-sabotage.

Your schedule is not life’s schedule. There isn’t a timetable and sometimes, we don’t get something as we pictured it but it doesn’t mean that it won’t happen at all or that it won’t show up in some way. Of course, if we’re beating ourselves up and living in the past, we do indeed ‘miss out’.

The desire to control is about what you think won’t happen if you’re not in control, but that’s fear talking. You don’t always know best, or at least certainly not in anything that’s fear-based. If you attempt to micromanage your life and rest your happiness on one specific outcome with one specific person, it will feel as if you’re getting screwed by life.

Surrendering doesn’t mean giving up; it means not being twisted up in fear trying to control the uncontrollable. It means being vulnerable enough to keep being you and seeing what life has to offer. It means confronting those fears and being kind to you anyway. It means recognising that there are alternatives to the way you see things. It means having an open palm instead of clenched fist attitude to life.

Your plan isn’t necessarily the plan and sometimes, your plan represents your limitations not your highest potential for your truest, most loving self.

 

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How to Get Over The Last Man Who Broke Your Heart

TL;DR: If they were able to let you go he/she wasn’t meant for you.
How to Get Over The Last Man Who Broke Your Heart

Super Late: How we treat time says a lot about how much we respect other people’s time

 

The way that you feel about and deal with timekeeping is really a matter of values, namely your personal values, the ones that speak for your character.

 

It’s not that things don’t happen and that none of us can ever be late but how we typically treat time does say a lot about how much we respect other people’s time as well as our own.

People who don’t really care about keeping people waiting or disrupting their schedules, have an over-inflated sense of their own importance. When did common courtesy die a death? In an age where you could almost say that we’re over-connected, how the hell can a person fail to notify us that they’re going to be late when we have mobile phones, texts, email, Facebook, WhatsApp, IM, Skype, Twitter, Instagram and the list goes on?

When we don’t respect and value our own time (boundaries), we over-promise ourselves in the name of pleasing and fear of saying no, winding up malnourished in the self-care department. We also don’t acknowledge where our concept of how long it’s going to take to do something or get somewhere, is inaccurate.

 

 

Habitually late people have an element of passive aggression in there and some will have people pleasing in there too.

 

Some people discovered that they can actually control others with their timekeeping – a form of rebellion that lets them play out the resentment they’re masking. This means that a habit may have been formed to get back at someone else in their past and then it became their default and they haven’t realised how it’s not working for them when they for instance, keep pushing the boundaries with the time they show up at work. Some people observed other tardy folk and it became learned behaviour. It might even have become a coping mechanism for dealing with an environment with little or no time boundaries.

 

What we do or we don’t accept in terms of our own timekeeping and that of others, is personal, so what’s OK for one person or a particular relationship isn’t going to work for another.

Late person + Late person = similar wavelengths
Punctual + Late person = problems

If you’re habitually late, try to consider other people’s positions (empathy) as well as the commitments that you’re making and get familiar with your habits and acknowledge any passive aggression lurking beneath, no matter how small. Be more realistic with your time and give as much notice as possible so that people have a chance to adjust their schedule, or yes, reschedule you. Only say yes to what you can stick to.

 

If you find that you’re very stressed by your own timekeeping due to fear of being late or you want to unearth clues to your tardiness, get a piece of paper or journal and list any memories of you (or others) being late or feeling controlled by someone else’s schedule or feeling that you were in control of a person via your timekeeping – these are the associations driving your habits. Examine any that hold an emotional charge for you (strong positive or negative reaction) so that you can evolve beyond the past – these old habits can cause you to feel small.

Of course tardiness is annoying to be on the receiving end of and it can feel very personal but if we recognise that it’s their habit, not a missile created for and aimed at us, we can find ways to protect us from being significantly inconvenienced.

Super Late: How we treat time says a lot about how much we respect other people’s time

Relationship 101: Non-existent relationships

How to let go of relationships that don’t exist

How do I let go of the guy that didn’t reciprocate my feelings?

How do I let go of the guy that I didn’t actually have a relationship with?

In essence, how do you let go of a one-sided attraction which in your mind has created a relationship out of…your feelings?

For a start, you can’t ‘break up’ when there is nothing to break up from. The only person you have to break up with is you and your rather overactive imagination and feelings.

The issue here isn’t really about ‘him’ (or her), as he’s not really part of the equation when you’ve created an illusion rather than keeping your feet in the real world – the issue is about you and the fact that you don’t want to let go of your feelings, your obsession, your drama.

 

You are a queen of projection. You choose men that cater to your own negative self-fulfilling prophecy and are likely to leave you ‘crushing’ on them and then you project the feelings that you think you have on them and assume that because you think you feel a certain way about them, they should feel that way about you too. You want them to notice you, to see you in the way that you see them, and you conduct the great majority of this stuff in your head without communicating it to them and then wonder why they haven’t reciprocated your feelings.

 

***You don’t actually want to be in a relationship. You’re living in a dream world and afraid of being rejected in the real world. In choosing men who are aloof and unlikely to be interested in you, you get to avoid having to be hurt in a way that you’re trying to avoid. Instead, you build sandcastles in the sky in your head and then feel rejected by your own daydreams because the reality is that you need some sort of inspiration for these illusions and he is not a part of your life. You’re very emotionally unavailable.

 

You don’t want to let go. We don’t want to get real with ourselves in case we find that we have something difficult or painful to look at, we don’t want to admit that we’re often creators of our own pain, and we certainly don’t want to admit that we’re letting go of something that didn’t exist, and if it did, it was for the most part in our heads.

***Remember, it’s a bit difficult to make someone accountable for something that is a grand illusion in your head when you could have been making them accountable for real behaviours. Likewise, you can’t wonder why someone isn’t being and feeling what you want them to be when they’re not part of the relationship in your head.

 

***Quite frankly, any misery you are feeling is for the most part, your own creation because you are not interested in keeping your feet in reality and have been too busy wallowing in your own world. (YESSS)

 

In doing this, you’re not seeing signs that you need to get real, and you’re not hearing signs that you need to get real. In fact, the person may have no clue that you are even interested in them, or if they do, they may have told you that they’re not interested and you switched to unreciprocated feelings mode and hovered there expecting him to see you in the way that you want to be seen and magically catch up with your feelings.

 

***

It doesn’t matter what they feel – you’re only interested in the fact that you feel what you feel and you want them to feel that too. (omg yesss) 

***The thing is, from the moment that you recognise that you 1) are not having your feelings reciprocated and/or 2) that you’re not in a relationship with them, major warning signals should be going to your brain that there is something seriously wrong if you are still trying to get them to reciprocate and obsessing about them over an extended period of time.

 

you’re on a serious avoidance mission because it’s like you want to hide away on these self-created feelings of rejection rather than get out there in the real world and risk yourself in a real relationship.

 

I tend to find that women who are in this situation are invariably in it because they decided that they were crazy about someone and don’t want to let that, and the fantasy go.

You’ve decided that you want him, love him, and to hell with it, you’ll find a way to show him that he should notice and love you too. You’re gonna ride this imaginary donkey of love till it collapses.

And trust me, if you’re doing this, you have some big issues to deal with because you’re engaging in incredibly self-destructive behaviour and repeatedly creating a rejection situation for yourself and then wondering why you’re in pain – because you did it, not him!

In all honesty, the only way that these situations end is when YOU end ‘it’.

***Stop calling, stop chasing, stop texting, stop seeing a bread loaf when there is barely a crumb.

Stop waiting, stop hoping, stop projecting, stop the madness.

Stop creating drama and then wondering why you are miserable – as it’s all one-sided, you are the master orchestrator of your own soap opera.

Commit to being in the real world. Take things at face value so when he doesn’t call, it’s because he doesn’t want to speak with you, not because he’s waiting for you to make a move. When you don’t hear from him for months, it’s not because you did something wrong that you need to figure out – it’s because you are not in a relationship and whilst you are daydreaming the crap out of your life, he is out there living his.

Yes that’s right living and if you spend your energy wanting men that don’t want you and then obsessing about why they don’t want you, your life will be at a standstill.

Relationship 101: Relationships and Appearances

The trouble with being blinded by appearances in relationships

It’s not that appearance/attractiveness doesn’t have a factor in attraction but when you overvalue appearance you end up ininsubstantial, superficial relationships. If you’re appearance focused, you won’t see the leaves, never mind the wood for the trees, and will be blinded to far more substantial problems

 

…In being so superficially focused not feel that you have to put in any real effort and even think you can substitute appearance for intimacy. I know a number of people that believe that they just need to ‘show up’ and they’re only realising now that nobody goes out with your face, breasts, height, big penis, floppy hair or six-pack. These may get you through the door but unless someone is superficial, you need some substance behind you.

 

***If you prioritise appearance when choosing partners, you’ll make blind assumptions about them and give too much credit for your powers of evaluation. You’ll assume that because you find themattractive, that it must mean they’re in possession of other qualities, characteristics, and values that you’d like in a partner.

 

***These assumptions are dangerous because we go out with our image of what these things mean, not the actual person which is why it feels like a confusing punch in the face when things go awry.

 

For a start, if it was your appearance, it would mean you were with a superficial partner who avoids the real issues and any of their own inadequacies by blaming your appearance which is denial, delusion, and hideous.You can’t forge a relationship with someone that thinks this – rationalising the irrational.

 

It’s not your appearance; it’s the relationship. You could scalpel yourself into a different person and those same problems and how you feel about you would still exist. 

…Why you may end up in a relationship that may look good, but feel bad, or just be plainhollow.

 

 

If you don’t like and love you and despise your appearance, you’ll believe people see the things that you hate too, which will cloud your judgement about why they say and do things.

 

***You have to start asking yourself – what can my appearance do for me? Yes it can help you to feel good but as any person that looks good and feels ugly on the inside can tell you, it’s just surface unless you solve interior problems with interior solutions and ultimately like and love yourself.

 

***

Appearance changes which makes it conditional so by you or they being focused on it, it means this is conditional love.

 

***(omg yes) 

This is the same as losing weight or contemplating cosmetic surgery – unless the reasons are solely yours and what you’re doing is being done with some work to ensure that you’re emotionally nurtured in the process and dealing with any outstanding issues, don’t go there. Losing weight/cosmetic surgery to ‘win’ someone who just isn’t that special anyway means that it will never be enough. It’s like saying“I think you’re a really superficial person so let’s be superficial together.”

***What you think others think about appearance gives a window into how you feel about appearance.

People who hate their appearance often gravitate to superficial people for validation – it’s like trying to catch a few rays. These same people tend to at best, be vacant, and at worst be full on assclowns.

 

You can keep flogging the appearance horse but that’s because it’s the uncomfortable comfort zone. Have an honest conversation with yourself and don’t construct superficial reasons around much deeper issues because you will get deep into an unhealthy relationship or persecute yourself unnecessarily.

 

You don’t need a life that looks good but feels bad; you need a life thatfeels good to you.

 

Relationships 101: Appearance doesn’t equate to worth

Appearance is not worth

When you have a pattern of thinking about and behaving in ways that focus on your appearance (and possibly those of others), it stems from a pattern of being taught to overvalue and even be blinded by appearance.

 

You may also find that you have a pattern of being involved with people who lack substance and who are even appearance focused.

 

To rely so heavily on appearance is to set you up for a fall, after all, image is transient and it’s also subjective. It creates an insecure existence where you’re not only living a life based on the fluctuating value of what you can attain through validation but you’re also debasing your own substance by neglecting what makes you, you – your values and how you live your life. Instead your identity is your appearance.

 

This is self-rejection. Is this what you say about or to another person? Is it what you’d think of them? Is it what you’d want to tell a child?

If not, you need to realise that you’re not living congruent with your own values. If you want people to love you for more than your appearance, you can’t be superficial at the same time. The two things run counter to one another.

Blow some holes in your perception of your appearance, capabilities and options because you’re limiting you to skin and imagery. Water seeks its own level. Cart these beliefs with you and you will focus on ‘evidence’ that supports your outlook because if you didn’t, you’d have to change your beliefs.

When I believed that all I had was my appearance, I ended up in my most superficial relationships.

 

 

I believed that I had little or no value and made some awful choices as a result of that perception. I was ashamed of me.

 

I couldn’t and cannot expect others to do for me what I cannot even do for myself. And it is judging whether you do it to you or others.

 

Your appearance doesn’t make you a better person nor does it make you immune or exempt from disappointment and difficulties and it’s not an open sesame to everything you want. There are people you would consider ‘less attractive’ who are happier than you and there are people ‘more attractive’ who are deeply unhappy.

 

we’re implying that all someone with the right superficial goods needs to do is show up.

 

 

Appearance tells you very little about a person. Who they are and what they do does. Appearance isn’t the same as worth and relying on it for validation and your sense of self means that you end up self-esteem deficient and external esteem reliant. You’ll be dependent on the attentions of others and it’s an incredibly insecure existence.  

 

Let’s say that somebody says or does something to you and it is on the basis of something superficial. What is at ‘fault’ here? That particular attribute or that person’s attitude?

Which would be a better bet for change? Your appearance or their attitude? Your perception of you or trying to meet one person’s ideal or some impossible standard of beauty peddled by people and companies trying to sell you stuff by tapping into insecurity?

 

***There’s no point in trying to control the uncontrollable or trying to convince and convert somebody into changing their attitude and values but, there’s a lot of a point in changing the way that you think about you.