How do I let go of the guy that didn’t reciprocate my feelings?
How do I let go of the guy that I didn’t actually have a relationship with?
In essence, how do you let go of a one-sided attraction which in your mind has created a relationship out of…your feelings?
For a start, you can’t ‘break up’ when there is nothing to break up from. The only person you have to break up with is you and your rather overactive imagination and feelings.
The issue here isn’t really about ‘him’ (or her), as he’s not really part of the equation when you’ve created an illusion rather than keeping your feet in the real world – the issue is about you and the fact that you don’t want to let go of your feelings, your obsession, your drama.
You are a queen of projection. You choose men that cater to your own negative self-fulfilling prophecy and are likely to leave you ‘crushing’ on them and then you project the feelings that you think you have on them and assume that because you think you feel a certain way about them, they should feel that way about you too. You want them to notice you, to see you in the way that you see them, and you conduct the great majority of this stuff in your head without communicating it to them and then wonder why they haven’t reciprocated your feelings.
***You don’t actually want to be in a relationship. You’re living in a dream world and afraid of being rejected in the real world. In choosing men who are aloof and unlikely to be interested in you, you get to avoid having to be hurt in a way that you’re trying to avoid. Instead, you build sandcastles in the sky in your head and then feel rejected by your own daydreams because the reality is that you need some sort of inspiration for these illusions and he is not a part of your life. You’re very emotionally unavailable.
You don’t want to let go. We don’t want to get real with ourselves in case we find that we have something difficult or painful to look at, we don’t want to admit that we’re often creators of our own pain, and we certainly don’t want to admit that we’re letting go of something that didn’t exist, and if it did, it was for the most part in our heads.
***Remember, it’s a bit difficult to make someone accountable for something that is a grand illusion in your head when you could have been making them accountable for real behaviours. Likewise, you can’t wonder why someone isn’t being and feeling what you want them to be when they’re not part of the relationship in your head.
***Quite frankly, any misery you are feeling is for the most part, your own creation because you are not interested in keeping your feet in reality and have been too busy wallowing in your own world. (YESSS)
In doing this, you’re not seeing signs that you need to get real, and you’re not hearing signs that you need to get real. In fact, the person may have no clue that you are even interested in them, or if they do, they may have told you that they’re not interested and you switched to unreciprocated feelings mode and hovered there expecting him to see you in the way that you want to be seen and magically catch up with your feelings.
It doesn’t matter what they feel – you’re only interested in the fact that you feel what you feel and you want them to feel that too. (omg yesss)
***The thing is, from the moment that you recognise that you 1) are not having your feelings reciprocated and/or 2) that you’re not in a relationship with them, major warning signals should be going to your brain that there is something seriously wrong if you are still trying to get them to reciprocate and obsessing about them over an extended period of time.
you’re on a serious avoidance mission because it’s like you want to hide away on these self-created feelings of rejection rather than get out there in the real world and risk yourself in a real relationship.
I tend to find that women who are in this situation are invariably in it because they decided that they were crazy about someone and don’t want to let that, and the fantasy go.
You’ve decided that you want him, love him, and to hell with it, you’ll find a way to show him that he should notice and love you too. You’re gonna ride this imaginary donkey of love till it collapses.
And trust me, if you’re doing this, you have some big issues to deal with because you’re engaging in incredibly self-destructive behaviour and repeatedly creating a rejection situation for yourself and then wondering why you’re in pain – because you did it, not him!
In all honesty, the only way that these situations end is when YOU end ‘it’.
***Stop calling, stop chasing, stop texting, stop seeing a bread loaf when there is barely a crumb.
Stop waiting, stop hoping, stop projecting, stop the madness.
Stop creating drama and then wondering why you are miserable – as it’s all one-sided, you are the master orchestrator of your own soap opera.
Commit to being in the real world. Take things at face value so when he doesn’t call, it’s because he doesn’t want to speak with you, not because he’s waiting for you to make a move. When you don’t hear from him for months, it’s not because you did something wrong that you need to figure out – it’s because you are not in a relationship and whilst you are daydreaming the crap out of your life, he is out there living his.
Yes that’s right living and if you spend your energy wanting men that don’t want you and then obsessing about why they don’t want you, your life will be at a standstill.
It’s not that appearance/attractiveness doesn’t have a factor in attraction but when you overvalue appearance you end up ininsubstantial, superficial relationships. If you’re appearance focused, you won’t see the leaves, never mind the wood for the trees, and will be blinded to far more substantial problems
…In being so superficially focused not feel that you have to put in any real effort and even think you can substitute appearance for intimacy. I know a number of people that believe that they just need to ‘show up’ and they’re only realising now that nobody goes out with your face, breasts, height, big penis, floppy hair or six-pack. These may get you through the door but unless someone is superficial, you need some substance behind you.
***If you prioritise appearance when choosing partners, you’ll make blind assumptions about them and give too much credit for your powers of evaluation. You’ll assume that because you find themattractive, that it must mean they’re in possession of other qualities, characteristics, and values that you’d like in a partner.
***These assumptions are dangerous because we go out with our image of what these things mean, not the actual person which is why it feels like a confusing punch in the face when things go awry.
For a start, if it was your appearance, it would mean you were with a superficial partner who avoids the real issues and any of their own inadequacies by blaming your appearance which is denial, delusion, and hideous.You can’t forge a relationship with someone that thinks this – rationalising the irrational.
It’s not your appearance; it’s the relationship. You could scalpel yourself into a different person and those same problems and how you feel about you would still exist.
…Why you may end up in a relationship that may look good, but feel bad, or just be plainhollow.
If you don’t like and love you and despise your appearance, you’ll believe people see the things that you hate too, which will cloud your judgement about why they say and do things.
***You have to start asking yourself – what can my appearance do for me? Yes it can help you to feel good but as any person that looks good and feels ugly on the inside can tell you, it’s just surface unless you solve interior problems with interior solutions and ultimately like and love yourself.
Appearance changes which makes it conditional so by you or they being focused on it, it means this is conditional love.
This is the same as losing weight or contemplating cosmetic surgery – unless the reasons are solely yours and what you’re doing is being done with some work to ensure that you’re emotionally nurtured in the process and dealing with any outstanding issues, don’t go there. Losing weight/cosmetic surgery to ‘win’ someone who just isn’t that special anyway means that it will never be enough. It’s like saying“I think you’re a really superficial person so let’s be superficial together.”
***What you think others think about appearance gives a window into how you feel about appearance.
People who hate their appearance often gravitate to superficial people for validation – it’s like trying to catch a few rays. These same people tend to at best, be vacant, and at worst be full on assclowns.
You can keep flogging the appearance horse but that’s because it’s the uncomfortable comfort zone. Have an honest conversation with yourself and don’t construct superficial reasons around much deeper issues because you will get deep into an unhealthy relationship or persecute yourself unnecessarily.
You don’t need a life that looks good but feels bad; you need a life thatfeels good to you.
You’re going to analyse each paper against the same themes. It’s up to you to come up with those themes, based on what you already know of your subject. You can have as many themes as you want, but don’t over do it. You don’t want to end up with a theme that is only used for one of the ten papers you’re comparing.
The trick is, you might not know, when you begin, exactly what your themes are going to end up being. So you need to be flexible. If you see a new theme emerging, add it to your table, and go back to the previous papers you’ve read to check if you can add any interesting information about it in the new cell.
And if you end up not having that much information about one of the themes you had previously written down, do not hesitate to delete it. Or ask yourself how come there is no info on this… Maybe you should search for other papers on this topic?
You’re also allowed to leave cells blank. It happens. Not every papers talks about everything.
The note taking matrix – How To Do A Literature Review
I believe in free education, one that’s available to everyone; no matter their race, gender, age, wealth, etc… This masterpost was created for every knowledge hungry individual out there. I hope it will serve you well. Enjoy!
FREE ONLINE COURSES (here are listed websites that provide huge variety of courses)
- Khan Academy
- P2P U
- Academic Earth
- Stanford Online
- MIT Open Courseware
- Open Yale Courses
- BBC Learning
- Carnegie Mellon University OLI
- University of Reddit
IDEAS, INSPIRATION & NEWS (websites which deliver educational content meant to entertain you and stimulate your brain)
- Big Think
- BBC Future
- Seriously Amazing
- How Stuff Works
- Discovery News
- National Geographic
- Science News
- Popular Science
- YouTube Edu
DIY & HOW-TO’S (Don’t know how to do that? Want to learn how to do it yourself? Here are some great websites.)
FREE TEXTBOOKS & E-BOOKS
- OpenStax CNX
- Open Textbooks
- Textbook Revolution
- E-books Directory
- Books Should Be Free
- Classic Reader
- Read Print
- Project Gutenberg
- AudioBooks For Free
- Poem Hunter
- MIT Classics
- Many Books
- Open Textbooks BCcampus
- Open Textbook Library
SCIENTIFIC ARTICLES & JOURNALS
- Directory of Open Access Journals
- Wiley Open Access
- Springer Open
- Oxford Open
- Elsevier Open Access
- Open Access Library
- BBC Languages
- Learn A Language
- Foreign Services Institute
- My Languages
- Surface Languages
- OpenCulture’s Language links
2. COMPUTER SCIENCE & PROGRAMMING
- GA Dash
- Code Avengers
- The Code Player
- Code School
- Programming Motherf*?$%#
- Bucky’s room
- Learn Code the Hard Way
- Mozilla Developer Network
- Microsoft Virtual Academy
3. YOGA & MEDITATION
- Learning Yoga
- Learn Meditation
- Free Meditation
- Online Meditation
- Do Yoga With Me
- Yoga Learning Center
4. PHOTOGRAPHY & FILMMAKING
- Exposure Guide
- The Bastards Book of Photography
- Cambridge in Color
- Best Photo Lessons
- Photography Course
- Production Now
- Learn About Film
- Film School Online
5. DRAWING & PAINTING
6. INSTRUMENTS & MUSIC THEORY
- Music Theory
- Music Theory Videos
- Furmanczyk Academy of Music
- Dave Conservatoire
- Petrucci Music Library
- Justin Guitar
- Guitar Lessons
- Piano Lessons
- Zebra Keys
- Play Bass Now
7. OTHER UNCATEGORIZED SKILLS
- The Chess Website
- First Aid for Free
- First Aid Web
- NHS Choices
- Wolfram Demonstrations Project
Please feel free to add more learning focused websites.
*There are a lot more learning websites out there, but I picked the ones that are, as far as I’m aware, completely free and in my opinion the best/ most useful.
IF THERE’S A WILL THERE’S A WAY!!
When you have a pattern of thinking about and behaving in ways that focus on your appearance (and possibly those of others), it stems from a pattern of being taught to overvalue and even be blinded by appearance.
You may also find that you have a pattern of being involved with people who lack substance and who are even appearance focused.
To rely so heavily on appearance is to set you up for a fall, after all, image is transient and it’s also subjective. It creates an insecure existence where you’re not only living a life based on the fluctuating value of what you can attain through validation but you’re also debasing your own substance by neglecting what makes you, you – your values and how you live your life. Instead your identity is your appearance.
This is self-rejection. Is this what you say about or to another person? Is it what you’d think of them? Is it what you’d want to tell a child?
If not, you need to realise that you’re not living congruent with your own values. If you want people to love you for more than your appearance, you can’t be superficial at the same time. The two things run counter to one another.
Blow some holes in your perception of your appearance, capabilities and options because you’re limiting you to skin and imagery. Water seeks its own level. Cart these beliefs with you and you will focus on ‘evidence’ that supports your outlook because if you didn’t, you’d have to change your beliefs.
When I believed that all I had was my appearance, I ended up in my most superficial relationships.
I believed that I had little or no value and made some awful choices as a result of that perception. I was ashamed of me.
I couldn’t and cannot expect others to do for me what I cannot even do for myself. And it is judging whether you do it to you or others.
Your appearance doesn’t make you a better person nor does it make you immune or exempt from disappointment and difficulties and it’s not an open sesame to everything you want. There are people you would consider ‘less attractive’ who are happier than you and there are people ‘more attractive’ who are deeply unhappy.
we’re implying that all someone with the right superficial goods needs to do is show up.
Appearance tells you very little about a person. Who they are and what they do does. Appearance isn’t the same as worth and relying on it for validation and your sense of self means that you end up self-esteem deficient and external esteem reliant. You’ll be dependent on the attentions of others and it’s an incredibly insecure existence.
Let’s say that somebody says or does something to you and it is on the basis of something superficial. What is at ‘fault’ here? That particular attribute or that person’s attitude?
Which would be a better bet for change? Your appearance or their attitude? Your perception of you or trying to meet one person’s ideal or some impossible standard of beauty peddled by people and companies trying to sell you stuff by tapping into insecurity?
***There’s no point in trying to control the uncontrollable or trying to convince and convert somebody into changing their attitude and values but, there’s a lot of a point in changing the way that you think about you.
We don’t need to be in love or even crazy excited in order to go and see a house. It’s just a house viewing just as it’s just a date. You don’t need to be in love or have your imagination running wild with possibilities in order to go on a date.
**It’s not just people where we take how they look and other attractive qualities and characteristics and then over-correlate them and assume that others will exist and that they’re perfect for us – we do it with houses and pretty much anything where we tend to fill in the gaps with our imagination and wants.
It’s not that appearance ‘can’t’ be part of what attracts you but superficial reasons cannot be the main driver of non-superficial big decisions. Using superficial reasons as a primary basis for making a huge decision is impractical and possibly foolhardy.
What’s the point in being with somebody who looks just as you imagined The Ideal Person TM, if in practical terms, you’re incompatible for a relationship? It’s a relationship (or a house) without a foundation. Superficial reasoning as a primary basis for something that requires deeper thinking and a big commitment is a problem.
It’s not that appearance doesn’t play some part but appearances can be deceptive – great on the outside, not so great on the inside. Looks great but structurally unsound. Looks great but isn’t compatible with your needs. If you want a show home or show relationship, knock yourself out but if you want something and someone that you can live with and love, you’ll need character and substance. You’re not going to find this if you’re just staring at and admiring them while blowing smoke up their bottoms and pumping them up.
Sure, people use it to make big and small decisions but appearance isn’t the same as your self-worth. Appearance can give the impression of value but it’s not the same as the value created by just being, which is character, how you live and what you do. It’s a combination of lots of factors, not just one thing and when it that one thing (appearance), then you know that person is blinded by it. Sure appearance will be used, especially when making snap decisions made on impressions and assumptions or when there’s a lot of admiration and even glorifying going on, but by the time it comes to making bigger,deeper decisions, use deeper information.
When somebody loves and likes you, they like the way that they feel around you and enjoy creating something mutually fulfilling, not standing around basking in how you look makes them look and admiring some feature on you as if it’s your source of value. Do you want how you look to be someone else’s ego boost? Your purpose in life isn’t to model their ego for them.
When a person truly values you, they value you for all that you are, not latching onto ‘good points’ or just your appearance. Be you in the fullest sense both inside and outside.
Most people if asked, would deny that they’d ever had a fantasy relationship as they’re associated with pretending to be with someone or in something that’s non-existent, however, it’s time for you to change what you think you know.
An increasing number of people are satisfied with sprinklings of attention and interaction which they use to give themselves the illusion of being loved, cared for and in control because they get to avoid commitment, intimacy, and ‘full-on’ rejection.
The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship is for every woman who’s been caught short by their overactive imagination and their great expectations.
Struggled to get over a relationship that didn’t truly exist?
Don’t understand how you wound up spending years with someone you hardly see?
Keep letting your assumptions and projections run away with you?
You’re an Escapist, dissatisfied with your current relationship, mentally checking out, complaining about your expectations not being met, and even starting an affair with someone else.
***You’re a Crusher, ‘loving’ and admiring someone from a distance that puts you in that unreciprocated feelings setting.
You’re a Virtual, spending too much time surfing dating sites, relying on the written word and getting high off the buzz of a text or email coming through.
You’re a Tabber, angry, hurt and feeling rejected because your relationship is over so regaining a sense of control by devoting your time and energy to tracking your ex via social networking and poking around in his life.
***These situations are often borne out of loneliness, a fear of rejection and intimacy, and great feelings of inadequacy. The more knocks you experience in the real world that you’re trying to avoid, the bigger a cocoon that you’ll build around yourself.
***Expectations and illusions have a huge impact on emotional availability and the dynamics in a relationship. When you consider the unhealthy beliefs that you can carry when you have a habit of being in unavailable relationships, it’s also easy to see how you can have an unrealistic picture of what a relationship looks like and how you can choose unavailable people to try to fill voids within you.
***One of the things they do do though that’s very useful for those of you prone to overuse of your imagination, is remain distant, so while that does have its frustrations when you want them to make certain things a reality, truth be told, the distance works for you and leaves you free to imagine whatever you like.
***but it’s safe to say that it can be awfully difficult to let go of a relationship that didn’t actually exist or what did, was as flimsy as a sandcastle built in the sky.
it can also be about grieving the loss of hope and what you thought might be and some of you aren’t doing this and are in fact, holding tight not only to the dream but a massive avoidance of rejection.
***If you have a tendency to have crushes, get lost in your feelings, continue feeling even when it becomes clear it’s not reciprocated, or can weave a fantasy relationship out of words and your imagination, you’re a Dreamer. Carrying a huge fear of intimacy, you find it safer to live in your mental world rather than risk a ‘real’ rejection. While all Fallback Girls (and guys) have avoidance issues and are chasing a feeling, you don’t truly want to get close to anyone – you want that “feeling” from a distance.
***Your mind is very rarely in the present and you’re very ‘dreamy’ and have often been doing your imaginary world thing for a very long time, possibly since childhood or after you experienced a traumatic event. It may be a learned coping mechanism for shutting out anything ‘unpleasant’ that’s eating up too much reality and causing you to feel vulnerable. Often, all you need is a little attention or for them to be in possession of a couple of characteristics or qualities that you overvalue, for you to create a connection that ignites your imagination.**** (omg yess)
become so overwhelmed by your experiences and the pain, and lose so much confidence in yourself that you feel helpless to deal with a real relationship and take comfort in your imagination where everything feels and looks a lot better.
while you’re immersed in your feelings and imagination, you miss out on some very obvious signsthat all is not well. You don’t register that you’re not being ‘matched’, or that they’ve left the building or were never even there, or that who you think they are is not actually who you’re involved with.
***it can cause you to become very numb and struggle to discern fiction from reality. On top of this, you lose significant chunks of your life.
Shoppers can toss you some words and some pipe dreams in crumb rations and sustain this flimsy relationship for years.
***You’re a Fallback that chooses people that reflect your beliefs and allow you to remain in your comfort zone.
While your fantasies and crushes may have involved some Mr/Miss Availables, it’s more likely that they didn’t because an available person poses a risk of vulnerability and intimacy which you’re trying to avoid, so you’ll choose your ‘marks’ well because they’ll be attached, or immersed in their own problems, sitting at the end of a computer etc. Of course, as is always the case with unavailable relationships, eventually reality pierces the illusion bubble and much pain results.
If we’re willing to be in and pay attention to reality, plus are willing to listen to ourselves, we can figure out whether we are worrying about something that isn’t happening or hasn’t happened yet, or whether we are actually aware of pertinent facts.
***The trouble is that many people operate on fear, veering between being very reactive to it, or paralysed in anxiety, rumination, and indecision. When you experience the former, you may have a knee-jerk reaction and make a decision that may not be rooted in the actual situation and the facts presented to you – this may be because you experience uncomfortable emotions, feel afraid, run with it, take the message as a sign to act fast, and bail.
***When you experience the latter, you spend more time being afraid, thinking about being afraid, thinking about what course of action you should take/imagining that you don’t have any options, and being afraid of making a decision and getting it wrong, than you do responding to the fear and taking action.
What isn’t asked often enough is: Is it fear? Or, am I dealing with knowledge?
If something was happening, you’d like to think that you’d be handling it – that’s why they say fear means it’s not happening, so in effect, if there is real reason for concern, you have time to take pre-emptive measures andact. Unfortunately when you don’t trust yourself or don’t want to let go of your hopes or any illusions that may be held, you deny the knowledge you have but continue to feel the fear anyway.
If you were afraid that you were being robbed or ripped off, what would you do?
- Take precautions.
- Distance yourself.
- Investigate and increase any precautions you have taken as you discover more facts.
What would stop you from acting though?
- Fear that you’ve got it wrong.
- Fear of ‘conflict’, in particular, a confrontation.
- Fear of the responsibility of using the knowledge to think up a solution and take action.
- Fear of consequences such as loss, starting over, and trusting again.
One of the worst things about these feelings of ‘fear’ which may actually be knowledge that you’re not responding to, is that instead of addressing what you should be, aside from potentially exposing yourself to emotional harm if not even physical harm, by excluding the knowledge, you tend to focus on giving yourself a hard time.
Then you have fear that you’re being robbed plus fear of being wrong and being hurt/exposed further, plus knowledge that you have put truth last and acted against yourself.
***When what you already know doesn’t change and does indeed prove to be true, you end up feeling bad about ignoring your gut or even obvious facts around you and feel bad about running yourself down. Then you feel regretful that you were doing these things instead of taking action.Using some of the examples from the beginning, particularly when people tell me that they’re concerned that someone is or isn’t something, it’s because, even if they’re not consciously acknowledging it, they are aware of facts and/indications of the truth.
Let me assure you that feeling afraid and then piling on negative self-talk is not going to help – be a friend to yourself!
If you can’t figure out where you end and they begin, it’s a sign that you’re too enmeshed anyway and that you need to step back.
***If you spend most of your time trying to anticipate what’s next or worrying about what isn’t happening, or worrying about the fact that you’re not acting upon knowledge, you create a great deal of unnecessary anxiety in your life that would be lessened by being in your present and where appropriate taking action.
Fear is ultimately just a feeling. You are still behind the wheel of your life – please drive and navigate!